This Just In! New Scientific Evidence Finds that God Didn’t Create Universe
Posted by Universal Shift
In a new study released this past week, scientists from the Society Under Council of Kooks and Assholes (SUCKAs) found that, contrary to popular religious belief, God didn’t create the universe.
“That’s right,” says Fred Mosely, chief scientist and media spokesman for SUCKA. “God didn’t actually create the universe. We’ve known this for a long time. A long standing question in the scientific community has been, ‘since there is absolutely no way a God could’ve created the universe, what else could’ve possibly happened’?”
When asked who or what created the universe Mosely responds, “Well, for a while, we thought it was gravity. But it turns out it’s this guy named Maurice Mapleton.”
The discovery came when SUCKA scientists happened across an image of Mapleton’s tool shed on Google Maps.
“We got excited pretty quickly,” admits Thane Shaneson, “I mean, we’ve never seen a tool shed like that before. “
So what makes Maurice’s tool shed more special than anyone else’s (including his neighbor, Lou’s)?
“If you look right here,” Shaneson says pointing to a blurry spot in the blurry satellite photo. “That’s the smokestack for a Darkmatter Oven. Once we got inside we found all kinds of tools. Chaos Hammers, Gravity Generators, Universal Star Exploders, Black Hole Vacuums. The list goes on. I’m telling you, this guy has EVERYTHING! He can not only create universes, he can destroy them. He’s pretty much my new hero.”
“We’re in the process of heavily kissing his ass,” Mosely admits sheepishly. “The uses for this kind of technology are almost limitless. We’re talking to the moon! And even further than that!”
When asked where and how he came by all of these unique items Maurice shrugs. “Just had ‘em layin around ya know? Fiddled around with ‘em here an’ there afta I retired. I didn’t ‘spect nuthin’ like this ta happen, that’s fer sure.” He finishes with a toothless smile that will melt your heart and make you confess your sins. “Afta that big boom, I thought I was in some real trouble fer sure! But it weren’t nothin’ but a bunch of new neighbors movin’ in. Used’ta be so quiet in these parts, ya know?” He shrugs again and loads an ample portion of chaw into his lip.
What does this mean for the planet’s billions of religious followers? Only time will tell. For now, Maurice still tinkers in his tool shed preparing something “special” he says is for all of humanity.
“Ya like fireworks?” he giggles and shuts the door, bolting it from the inside.
Yes, Maurice. We do like fireworks.
About Universal ShiftI am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.
Posted on January 28, 2012, in Author, Fiction, Philosophy, Religion and Spirituality, writing and tagged Big Bang, Chaos, Comedy, Creation, God, humor, literature, Maurice, Satire, Science, Universe. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.