Why do all energy drinks taste the same?

UPDATE: 5/24/12

I have discovered a new brand of energy tonic that will tickle your tongue. Rockstar Iced. It’s peach tea and energy AND electrolytes. Electrolytes. “It’s what Plants Crave!!” But in all honesty, it’s not half bad. It’s better than the Monster Palmer. And I’d drink it over any of the other drinks mentioned below with the exception of Rockstar Juiced. Rockstar Iced is delicious, but Juiced is still the reigning champion.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE:

This has been a problem with energy drinks since their inception. As far as I can remember, Red Bull was the first energy drink to really explode. And every Johnny-Come-Lately energy drink start up has been trying to mimic it’s success. First, Red Bull doesn’t taste that great. Granted, it’s not as bad as most of the other crap out there, but I still won’t drink it. That goes for most other energy drinks, too. Monster. Rockstar. NOS. Pompis. And so on and so forth. They all taste like somebody dissolved a ton of Smarties in sugar water and slapped a label on it. Across the board. The same problem arises with the specialty flavors. Purple Rockstar tastes almost identical to Purple Monster. And none of the flavors really taste different than the original brand flavor.

The so called “coffee flavored energy drinks” are a culinary abomination and I refuse to note their legitimacy.

So, what is an Energy Juicer to do in this sea of over-sweet banality? Here’s a few energy drinks I discovered that I didn’t have to suppress my gag reflex to drink:

1. Rockstar Lemonade. Yes, inside that yellow can is energy giving lemonade. And it actually tastes like (watered down) lemonade.

2. Monster’s version of the Arnold Palmer. Tea and lemonade AND an energy drink? Yes please! Try to ignore the fact that it tastes suspiciously akin to Rockstar Lemonade.

3. Pompis Pucker. Alright, so it tastes like orange drink. But it’s closer to Crush than Generic Brand Orange Cola.

4. Rockstar Juiced. It used to come in an orange can, but now, an Energy Juicer would have an easier time finding Atlantis than a can of this delicious nectar. This is, hands down, the BEST energy drink I’ve ever had. I’m almost positive magical elves make it during the Christmas off season. I remember back in the day when Rockstar first started selling it, Juiced was actually made with 70% juice. A couple of years later it was shortened to 30%. My most recent discovery of Juiced now puts it’s juice content at around 10%. But it is still delicious. And I do mean delicious. It doesn’t taste like any other energy drink out there. They actually got something right! Alas, Rockstar Juiced seems to be phasing out. Rockstar in the orange can is now their version of orange drink. And it sucks. Sigh.

Some might say the point of energy drinks isn’t the flavor, but the energy boost. And that’s obvious. I have a hard time believing people actually like the way these sugary snake oils taste. But if all a person needs is a boost of energy, a bottle of No-Doz is cheaper in the long run and it tastes better going down.

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About Universal Shift

I am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.

Posted on February 2, 2012, in Author, Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Energy drinks are great but most of them contain caffeine. I would usually prefer the ones based on green tea.-

    Please do view our favorite online site

    • Though I’m fairly certain this comment is Spam, I would like to take this opportunity to bring up a point. I love caffeine. I do. I love coffee, chocolate covered espresso beans and black tea. And my blog will in no way be a forum for caffeine bashing. It has plenty of medicinal qualities if the casual reader cares to search for them. So please, for the love of Lattes, keep your caffeinated nay-saying confined to your own blogs…or I just might blow up your spot on green tea…

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