This Just In! Pregnant Vampire Applies for WIC

The Seattle Department of Human Services sees its fair share of poor and degenerate. There’s a near constant flow of traffic into and out of the place every day. But last Friday the SDHS got a bit of a surprise when a pregnant woman wrapped from head to toe in blankets entered.

“She just marched right to the front of the line,” said Missy E., an eyewitness of the strange events. “Crazy thing is, it didn’t matter that people had been waiting here for hours, they LET HER GO in front of them! This one crazy bastard even gave her his line number! And he was next! No man ever did that for me, even when I was knocked up.”
The vampire didn’t find such welcoming attitudes at the teller window, however. It was business as usual for the stoic power mongers that work for the government.

“She didn’t have proof of income, residence or anything!” explained Constance who has been working for the SDHS for over 15 years. “She just wanted me to hand everything over to her for free! She thought she’d sparkle her eyes at me and I’d give in. Ha! I’ve never given in! Just ask my husband!”
Constance’s husband wasn’t available for comment.

The mysterious vampire threatened Constance with a display of fangs and promises to, “suck the life from her veins,” if she didn’t sign the young mother up for WIC.

“Not just normal WIC, either,” explained Constance, “She wanted a special ‘modified’ WIC. Said her baby had special needs. Wanted lots of animal blood and raw meat added to the approved items list. I told her that everyone has special needs and she can wait in line with the rest of the bums. I gave her the paperwork then I called the cops. Really. Who asks for blood? Vampires?”

The cops arrived and escorted the vampire mother out amidst heavy protest both from her and the crowd inside the SDHS which seemed to rally behind the blanketed woman. Law enforcement officers managed to wrangle the woman into their cruiser, barely avoiding being mobbed by the agitated crowd.

“Never seen anything like it,” admitted Officer Bob. “It was like she had them under this spell or something.”
Officer Bob’s car was found wrecked and he and his partner, Officer Rob, were found dead with puncture wounds in their necks. The mysterious woman was nowhere to be found.

Constance (and her bad attitude) failed to show up for work Monday morning. Police say there is no connection between the two cases at this point.

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About Universal Shift

I am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.

Posted on February 6, 2012, in Author, Fiction, writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. One of the best blogs ever. Of all time. I laughed so hard.

  2. Sounds like she herself worked for the government.

  3. Indeed. I blame the numb-bats myself. 🙂

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