This Just In! Secret Society Controlling World Revealed
Posted by That One Guy
It’s truly a sad and terrible day. Much like the shot heard around the world, a single news release changed everything. In this statement, released by the Society of Serpent Sheltons, they outline their role in world domination from behind the curtain.
Hello from the Society of Serpent Sheltons,
May the blessings of the Mystery of Blake fall upon you. Now, down to business. It’s true. Well…most of it. There really has been an unknown cabal of rich and powerful elite controlling your daily lives for the past…well…since forever.
This society is not the Illumaniti, the Masons, the Skull and Bones, the Hidden Hand or any others you’ve dredged up from the bowels of conspiracy forums. The real men behind it all are the Society of Serpent Sheltons. We are an ancient and proud order that has been around for thousands of years.
Our founding fathers outlined the Great Plan for World Domination in Sumeria. This plan, to be executed in phases over the next few thousand years, would end in our inevitable control of the entire planet and its peoples. This release is the first part of the final phase or the “Welcome to the New World Order” phase. In keeping with our new role as Supreme Dictators of your lives and in an attempt to open up honest communication between us, here are a few answers to some questions you (or your crazy Uncles) may have had:
Yes we can control the weather. And we have to be honest, it’s pretty damn awesome.
Yes we control all the world’s money. That goes for banks and corporations, too.
Yes we control all (and we do mean all) the world’s governments. Most of our favorite script writing sessions revolve around elections. We do love to script a good election.
Yes we control the media and are responsible for reality television in all of its mind-numbing deliciousness.
Yes we are working with aliens and they have given us technology. In return we’ve given them several hundred rednecks and hillbillies, a few radio talk shows and a host of STD’s.
Yes we do hate you and want you all dead. Probably with a virus, economic collapse or nukes, or maybe all three, we haven’t decided which yet. But don’t take offense. It’s really nothing personal; we just need to thin out traffic. We really hate stopping at red lights and waiting in line at Panda Express.
Yes. Everything you’ve ever believed is a lie.
No. The Mystery of Blake and the Society of Serpent Sheltons have nothing to do with Blake Shelton. Seriously. You have to believe us on this. We’re Cee-Lo fans.
I’d say to run for the hills. Flee while you still can. But we all saw how that turned out in Orwell’s “1984”. So instead I’ll say: Laters everybody. Enjoy waiting in line while there are still lines to wait in.