Horror Movies and Chick Flicks
Posted by Universal Shift
B: Call us…cowboys. But not in the genre sense of the word. We don’t wear cowboy hats…well, C does but that’s his thing. Call us…gunslingers. Not that we carry guns around righting wrongs, but there are many different types of bullets. Symbolically speaking. Call us…Worldly Savants. We’ve seen behind the Veil, in front of it and all around it. We’ve seen what’ll happen when that Veil is ripped to shreds and it’s not pretty. In case you haven’t noticed, it has started storming outside.
A: (enters) If this were a horror movie you’d die first.
B: You’re sorely mistaken. I’d be the Alpha Male hero.
A. Bullshit! You don’t even look Alpha Male!
C: (enters) What are you arguing about?
A. Who’d die first in a horror movie.
C: What kind of horror movie? Zombies? Vampires? Psycho killer?
A: Any and all. I’d come out on top.
B: Whatever. I’d outlive you in a zombie apocalypse on my worst day. And a psycho killer would come after you first because you talk the most shit. And the shit talker ALWAYS dies. And as for vampires, you don’t believe in them. You’d die out of rational ignorance. Looks like you suck after all.
A: Well I’d live through an alien invasion. I do believe in aliens.
B: Fine. Whatever. You can have the alien invasion. Take it. It’s yours.
C: Are you two done? I’ve got something important to tell you.
A: By all means, tell us.
C: I’ve met someone.
A: So? You’ve been internet dating for months now.
C: Yeah. Each and every encounter has ended in disaster. But this one was different.
B: How so?
C: Well it all started when I woke up this morning. I told myself, “Self, today you are going to meet someone.” And then I did.
C: The supermarket. We were both reaching for the same carton of organic milk.
A: Wow. We’ve moved from horror movies to chick flicks.
C: I hate you sometimes.
B: So tell us. How was your first date with Ms. Organic Milk?
C: Her name is Samantha. And it was great. If you take all the good traits of my bad girlfriends and put them together, you’d have Samantha.
A: Man, your life really is a chick flick.
C: Like yours isnt?
A: What’s that supposed to mean?
C: When did you take Dani out on your first date?
A: I really don’t see what that has to do with anything…
C: It has everything to do with everything. Now spit it out.
A: You already know this!
C: Yeah, but it means more when you say it.
A: February 14…
C: You asked your girlfriend out on Valentine’s Day and somehow you think your life isn’t a chick flick? C’mon! Christian Slater would play you in the movie!
A: It was a man move! And a smart one. You should always schedule major relationship events around special days. Makes them easier to remember.
C: (turns to B) What do you think? Is that a smart man move?
B: For sure. When I gave Jess’s cat to the pound and told her it got ran over, I did it on St. Patty’s Day. We cried about it for a while then went to the bar and celebrated Kitty’s memory. It was a bonding experience.
C: How could you do somehting like that?
B: Easily. I got tired of being attacked in my sleep by that black fuzzball of pure evil. And Jess’s excuse of, “Oh she just gets like that sometimes,” wasn’t cutting it anymore.
A: Ha! Brilliant!
C: Kinda cold, actually.
B: Cold would’ve been running it over myself, telling her some teenager in a Mustang did it and then showing her the corpse. At least the cat can spend it’s remaining lives in a house with a loving family.
C: Unless it doesn’t get adopted and they have to gas it.
B: I see the PETA sticker on your window wasn’t left there by the previous owners.
About Universal ShiftI am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.
Posted on February 15, 2012, in Author, Fiction, Movies, Religion and Spirituality, writing and tagged acting, aliens, cats, Comedy, holidays, Horror, humor, love, plays, romantic, scripts, short, theater, vampires, zombies. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.