This Just In! Reason Behind High Gas Prices Revealed

In these trying times, we get all kinds of excuses for things being the way they are. Gas prices are no exception. And every time there is an increase in gas prices, there’s an increase of bullshit to excuse it.

“More demand in developing countries”, “natural disasters”, and “political unrest” are three of the most popular reasons tossed around in a variety of ways. But here at TJI we take our journalistic integrity seriously. Which is why my editor told me to get to the bottom of the matter or die trying.

Using secret journalist ninja techniques (consuming copious amounts of grain alcohol and cavorting with dancing naked women), I coaxed the truth from a top U.S. Government Official. Here’s the rundown of our conversation.

TJI: What’s really going on with gasoline prices?

US: I like your style boy. I’m gonna give it to you straight.

TJI: I’d appreciate that.

US: Robots.

TJI: I’m sorry, did you say ‘robots’?

US: I did. Giant robots. See, all the world leaders are huge fans of Voltron and Battle Tech. Betcha didn’t know that, did you? It’s all we talk about at UN meetings anymore.

TJI: Where are these giant robots? I surely haven’t seen any driving down the Interstate lately.

US: They’re in space. More specifically, they’re on the moon. S’why we really cancelled the NASA program. We needed the spare parts. It’s also the real reason behind the rash of satellites “crashing to earth” lately. NASA junk never could hold together.

TJI: What do you do with these giant robots on the moon?

US: What do you think we do with them? We fight with them! Jesus, boy! What part of Voltron and Battletech didn’t you get?

TJI: And these robots use gasoline?

US: More than you’d believe. Enough to make you shit yourself right here if you knew how much. I mean, in one of the Mechs is an engine equivalent to around 20 diesel engines. You can burn through enough gas to fuel a small country for a month. And that’s just in one round.

TJI: Do you think it’s a little irresponsible to be wasting our dwindling natural resources goofing around and fighting space robots?

US: Us personally? No. But our publicists thought it might not go over well with the general masses. So we had the eggheads in one of our Think Tanks drum up some legitimate sounding excuses. And there you have it.

Exactly. There you have it. Giant government space robots. So next time you’re smoldering over asinine prices at the gas pump, you can thank Anime for its part in the collapse of the global economy.

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About Universal Shift

I am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.

Posted on February 28, 2012, in Author, Fiction, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Garfield Broas

    You can expect gas prices to rise every spring. It seems to get earlier and earlier each year. That’s because oil futures traders know demand for gas rises in the summer. They therefore start buying oil futures contracts in the spring in anticipation of that price rise.^

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    • Thank you for that very informed comment. However, This Just In stands by its statements as part of our journalistic integrity. I am aware that this is the usual answer in response for rising gas prices. However, as this article plainly demonstrates, its all a ruse deflecting from the real culprit: giant robot battles on the moon. 😀 Thank you for reading.

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