This Just In! Chupacabra Elected to City Council
Posted by Universal Shift
The Chupacabra, who goes by the Americanized name Jorge McPherson, won in a landslide victory, despite being a third-party candidate. McPhereson ran on the Goat Sucker Party ticket, a political party that he and other Chupacabras formed late in 2004 during the little publicized Reality Rights Movement for Imaginary Characters.
That landmark event opened the way to freedom to live a public life for people like McPherson who had been perceived as “nonexistent” or “imaginary” up to that point. Now, thanks to Reality Rights, McPherson and a whole slew of other “fictional” creatures are able to have a voice. McPherson used his voice to run for City Council.
“America is a great place,” he told TJI in a recent interview. “I barely come to this country and already I am in charge!”
McPherson reportedly migrated north from deep in the Amazonian jungles with his clan of Chupacabras. Once they crossed the border into America, establishing citizenship was a breeze.
“They just give you a license. All you do is go ask. And they say, ‘Where’s your birth certificate?’ and you say, ‘It was stolen by the gringos’. And they give you a driver’s license right there on the spot! I don’t like my picture though.”
After establishing residency and opening a small convenience store, McPhereson’s next logical step was into local politics.
“I was at the cantina one night after work. This was just after I got here and opened up my store. I asked my amigo Billy, ‘Who is in charge here’? Billy tells me the City Council runs the town. And I tell him, ‘I will lead this City Council.’ He laughed at me. He died mysteriously later that night. It is a dangerous town,” he shrugs, “you never know what is out to chupa you. And now, I am laughing at him.” McPherson smiles, flashing a set of razor sharp teeth. I thought it best to move on.
Garnering voter support was not a problem for McPherson.
“My family helped me a lot. We went from door to door. Everyone in town! And we asked everybody, ‘You like your cabras [goats—J.]?’ And they say, ‘Yes. We love our cabras’. And then I say, ‘Then you should vote for me. I will keep your cabras from getting chupa’d. If you do not vote for me…’ Then I shrug like I don’t know what will happen. But I know,” mischief lights his eyes, “I am a Chupacabra, see? I suck goats! And they voted for me! Everybody!”
He wasn’t lying. Literally everybody (all 236 residents) voted for McPherson sending his opponent, incumbent Democrat Eddie Espinoza, into cardiac failure from utter shock. McPherson is the second fictional character to hold a public office. If you will remember, Arnold Schwarzenegger was the first when he was elected governor of California.
McPherson has big plans for his city. Including turning the tiny village into the Goat Capital of the World complete with a festival, parade and the whole deal.
“What can I say? I love cabras.”
And the townsfolk who voted this change upon themselves? They walk around like nothing happened. Like the Sword of Damocles isn’t hanging above their (and their cabras’) heads. Completely ignoring the fact that when you have your head buried in the sand it leaves your ass in the air.
About Universal ShiftI am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.
Posted on March 9, 2012, in Author, Fiction, writing and tagged Arnold, California, Chupacabra, City Council, Comedy, cryptozoology, Election, fantasy, goat, humor, license, new mexico, news, paranormal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.