This Just In! Pink Slime Attacks

Like a scene from The Blob, Manhattan, Kansas was attacked today by what has been dubbed “The Pink Slime Monster” after it broke out of a secret government laboratory.

It all started when McDonald’s quit using pink slime in their meat. What is pink slime? It’s less than healthy meat that is treated with ammonia and other things in order to make it “edible”.

You may be wondering the fate of all that extra pink slime meat. Well, the USDA purchased some 7 million pounds of it for school lunches. As disgusting as the thought is, TJI uncovered the truth behind the purchase and it’s even more horrific.

“It was all a ruse,” says ex-government official Randy Burke. “They weren’t using it for lunches at all. They were using it for experiments.”

When asked to elaborate, Burke explained, “Well the government plans to move the Plum Island facility to Kansas. Actually, they already did. Just failed to notify people about it.”

“What’s the Plum Island facility, for our readers who may be unaware.”

“It’s this place off the coast of N.Y. where they’ve been studying deadly animal and livestock diseases. Well they moved it inland, to Kanas.”

Burke claims that he, along with a team of scientists, engineers, and military personnel, were stationed at the currently top secret laboratory in Manhattan, Kansas where they were studying the effects and applications of various deadly bovine diseases.

“We figured, with the laboratory in Kansas, we’d have plenty of test subjects close at hand. You know how many cows we lose a year having them shipped to Plum Island?”

“No. How many?”

“17. And that’s a steady number. Anyway, after we heard about McDonald’s, we asked the USDA to purchase us a shit-ton of pink sludge.”

“What for?”

“That’s classified.”

Unfortunately, what happened when the pink slime arrived at the facility was impossible to classify. Combine chemically tainted pink meat-product with several strains of deadly cow diseases and you have a lot of bad beef karma in one place. That bad beef karma manifested as the Pink Slime Monster.

“What happened was Eugene, he’s a good guy, but a bit slow sometimes…Well anyway, Eugene put a bunch of pink slime crates right next to a tray of samples of Nipah Virus and Foot and Mouth Disease we were sending back to Plum Island. Then, Eric, his idiot brother-in-law, went to light up a cigarette and knocked the samples into the pink slime.”

The result was a B-movie nightmare come to life. Unknown chemical reactions animated the pink slime and gave it a voracious appetite.

“It ate Eugene and Eric first,” Burke informed TJI, “Then it went from room to room eating everything in sight. It just kept getting bigger and bigger! I barely made it out alive. You were the first people I called.”

“Thank you. TJI appreciates your loyalty to journalistic integrity and reporting the truth.”

“That isn’t the worst of it though.”

“Oh? What’s the worst of it?”

Note: Unfortunately, the interview was cut short when Burke died of what officials are calling a “spontaneous gunshot wound to the head”. After that things got a little pink and slimey. I barely made it out alive.

As for Manhattan, Kansas, officials at the Census Bureau are claiming no such place ever existed. They are also warning residents in nearby towns that in 1-3 days they too will never have existed. The rest of America is being asked to act as true patriots and reinforce the nonexistence of Kansas. Uncle Sam appreciates your denial.

Anyone for a cheeseburger?

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About Universal Shift

I am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.

Posted on March 30, 2012, in Author, Fiction, Movies, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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