Monthly Archives: May 2012

[Updated] Why do all energy drinks taste the same?

Why do all energy drinks taste the same?.

Advertisements

Daily Wisdom-isms: The Tao Te Ching (27)

One of my favorite passages from the Tao. Enjoy!

“A good traveler has no fixed plans
and is not intent upon arriving.
A good artist lets his intuition
lead him wherever he wants.
A good scientist has freed himself of concepts
and keeps his mind open to what is.

Thus the Master is available to all people
and rejects no one.
He is ready to use all situations
and doesn’t waste anything.
This is called embodying the light.

What is a good man but a bad man’s teacher?
What is a bad man but a good man’s job?
If you don’t understand this, you will get lost,
however intelligent you are.
It is the great secret.”—-The Tao Te Ching Ch. 27

A Letter to Blackberry

Dear Blackberry People,

I recently got one of your Blackberry Pearl phones. As I’ve never had a Blackberry, I spent many hours pushing buttons and flipping through screens. Imagine my surprise when one random button I pushed activated the “Voice Command” option. A sexy female voice prompts me to “Say a command”. At first I applauded your ingenuity. To think! A smart phone that follows the commands I dictate to it! I couldn’t wait; I started saying commands.

I say, “Send Ninjas.”
Response: “Say again.”

I say, “Give me $100,000” (I’m not greedy).
Response: “Command not recognized.”

[At this point I’m getting frustrated, but I thought maybe I wasn’t speaking clear enough. So in a clear, articulate voice…]

I say, “Teleport me to Bora Bora.”
Response, “Did you say call Eric at work?”

I say, “Initiate world peace.”
Response, “I’m sorry. Try again?”

Now, either my phone is broken or your phones aren’t as smart as they (and you) would lead us to believe. I’m not asking for much. Just a replacement phone with a working “Voice Command” option. Something about commanding with my voice is very appealing. If you can’t do this, I understand. But you need to understand that in that event, I’ll be switching to a Droid. Because while a Droid isn’t as cool as a Blackberry with a working Voice Command, having a phone with little robot arms that talks like Stephen Hawking would be super cool too.

Thank you,
Jason DeGray

p.s. Something else that bothered me is that the model is named the Pearl. But it looks nothing like a pearl. Or even a clam for that matter.

Daily Wisdom-isms: That Hideous Strength (Equality and House Work)

I came across this passage and thought it explained things so well. In it, Jane, Mark’s wife, is being shown around The Manor at St. Anne’s. The Manor is the opposition to the N.I.C.E. and things are done quite differently there. Enjoy!!

“There are no servants here,” said Mother Dimble, “And we all do the work. The women do it one day and the men the next. What? No, it’s a very sensible arrangement. The Director’s idea is that men and women can’t do housework together without quarreling. There’s something in it. Of course, it doesn’t do to look at the cups too closely on the men’s day, but on the whole we get along pretty well.”

“But why should they quarrel?” asked Jane.

“Different methods my dear. Men can’t help in a job, you know. They can be induced to it: not to help while you’re doing it. At least, it makes them grumpy.”

The cardinal difficulty”, said MacPhee, “in collaboration between the sexes is that women speak a language without nouns. If two men are doing a bit of work, one will say to the other, ‘Put this bowl inside the bigger bowl which you’ll find on the top shelf of the green cupboard.’ The female for this is, ‘Put that one in the other one there.’ And then if you ask them, ‘in where?’ they say, ‘in there, of course. There is consequently a phatic hiatus.”

“There’s your tea now,” said Ivy Maggs, “and I’ll go and get you a piece of cake, which is more than you deserve. And when you’ve had it you can go upstairs and talk about nouns for the rest of the evening.”

“Not about nouns: by means of nouns,” said MacPhee but Mrs. Maggs had already left the room.

Daily Wisdom-isms: Kierkegaard (True Love)

Reading Kierkegaard has taught me that relationships are really no different today than they were in his time. Or any time. The only difference now is that all of humanity’s relationship humiliations are displayed on t.v. and the internet for our viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

“Love at first site is an untested love. It is a love that has its genesis in passionate flames, but these flames quickly dwindle. Thus when this happens, the love dwindles also. Without reinvigorating those passions–or forging from the smoldering embers an unbreakable bond–romantic love is sure to extinguish. However, if that love is tested–its sincerity challenged, and it passes, then it is on its way to becoming pure.”—-Kierkegaard “Either/ Or”

Supernova Seduction

I want to lick your supernova.

I want to play with the galaxies of your heart.

I want to hear you sigh as I caress the birth of the universe.

Softly across your skin.

Whoever thought sin could be so divine?

Right here we are gods.

Right now we can explore what it means

To live
Or love
Or feel.

You think of me and I see worlds in your eyes.

A beautiful synopsis of a divine situation.

We were born in this universal chaos.

Then we kiss.

And all is destroyed
And begins again.

The Book of Absurdity: Epistles of Lucius

Lucius is a resident of the Realm of Possibility. His exploits are well-chronicled adventures and his most famous can even be found in this Realm in collection of epic plays, “A Hollow Monk’s Dreams”. Get “The Godlife” here. The following is an excerpt from The Book of Absurdity, one of the Realm of Possibility’s holy texts. Enjoy!

Introduction

Some random string of ambiguous words expels itself from my skull with an ear piercing shriek. Gone now into forever sonnets sung by sirens luring men into oblivion.

This is my first seduction. The sensual play of words across blank parchment. I am Prometheus bringing the infernos of the mind to numb spirits.

I am slain for the messages I bring. Yet unable to condemn my murderers for their ignorance. I am eternally searching, a slave to the Fates, a lover to the Muses. I expunge my destiny to you in this stream of ambiguous words. My eulogy to life.

Epistle of Folly

I, Lucius, pen these words under the light of a failing candle shaped, oddly enough, as a woman’s breasts. I think it was my mother’s candle. She was always brilliant like that. Brilliant in pink and green, not so much in blue though, it never looked good on her. Did you find the wisdom in that? In what I just wrote was a wealth of wisdom. If you discovered it then congratulations, consider yourself a complete idiot. And if there was not truth in my words, then I congratulate your blindness. It takes a true member of the flock to deny himself the release of Unknowing.

All hail the great light! May you stare into it and be blinded to the lie called existence. Life can be explained by explaining things unexplainable to mortal men. God sits on his gaudy ivory throne eating cheese with Vietnamese hookers. He laughs at the human attempts to achieve his state of grace. He also laughs at golf balls because they are humorous to those of a higher idiocy. Not saying God is an Idiot. He is merely thinking above the level of genius. Thus, people view him as absurd because they cannot comprehend his method. In this we find that the methods of men are absurd as well. These methods of men are absurd because we refuse to recognize them as such. The folly of human thought. The folly is thus: “We believe knowledge offers understanding. Oh! You stupid fucks! Understanding comes from staring blankly and boldly into the void of blackness of everything we never knew only to know nothing again.

I stop writing for an instant to gaze lovingly at the fire blazing from wick nipples. It’s like mother’s milk only hot. Hot mother’s milk. I have a prophetic vision of myself as a babe suckling my mother’s teat and savoring her nectar. It means nothing now, but at the time it was my only desire. Sometimes, I wish I were a babe again.
Never forget, it is the Way that we seek, dear friends. The way to the paradise of Blah. The way that leads us into the open embrace of He That is Not a Pronoun.

Through Oblivion

Dream yourself through the Oblivion.

Let your life reflect the fantasies that possess you.

Breathe an atmosphere of beauty and hope.

Love the fact that you aren’t real.

Love the fact that this is all that matters.

Daily Wisdom-isms: That Hideous Strength (Civil Disobedience)

I seriously think the modern mega corporation was modeled after the N.I.C.E. Fairy Hardcastle (the Chief of the N.I.C.E. police force) plays an important role in Mark’s acceptance of N.I.C.E. In this excerpt, she and a few other key N.I.C.E. members discuss a riot they are planning and that they want Mark to write an account of. Enjoy!

“You mean you’ve engineered the disturbances?” said Mark. To do him justice, his mind was reeling from this new revelation. Nor was he aware of any decision to conceal his state of mind…

“That’s a crude way of putting it,” said Feverstone.

“It makes no difference,” said Filostrato. “This is how things have to be managed.”

“Quite,” said Miss Hardcastle. “It’s always done. Anyone who knows police work will tell you. And I say, the real thing–the big riot–must take place within the next 48 hours…In the meantime, you and I have to get busy about the account of the riot.”

“But–what’s it all for?” said Mark.

“Emergency regulations,” said Feverstone. “You’ll never get the powers we want at Edgestow until the Government declares that a state of emergency exists there.”

“Exactly,” said Filostrato. “It’s folly to talk of peaceful revolutions. Not that the canaglia would always resist–often they have to be prodded into it–but until there is disturbance, the firing, the barricades–no one gets powers to act effectively. There’s not enough what you call weight on the boat to steer him.”

“And the stuff must be all ready to appear in the papers the very day after the riot,” said Miss Hardcastle.

“But how are we to write it tonight if the thing doesn’t even happen until tomorrow morning, at the earliest?”

Everyone burst out laughing.

“You’ll never manage publicity that way, Mark,” said Feverstone. “You surely don’t wait for a thing to happen before you tell the story of it.”

This was the first thing Mark had been asked to do which he himself, before he did it, clearly knew to be criminal. But the moment of his consent almost escaped his notice; certainly there was no struggle, no sense of turning a corner. There may have been a time in the world’s history when such moments fully revealed their gravity, with witches prophesying on a blasted heath or visible Rubicons to be crossed. But for him, it slipped past in a chatter of laughter, of that intimate laughter between fellow professionals, which of all earthly powers is strongest to make men do very bad things before they are yet, individually, very bad men.

Can you say “Wag the Dog”? Good ol’ Bill “the Old Shoe” Schumann. He really was real. For real. Because the media said he was real. Why would our medias, governments and corporations lie to us? Aren’t they all working for our benefit? Benevolent overlords who only want to protect us from ourselves? Isn’t that N.I.C.E.?

This Just In! Life Will Kill You

The world is full of things that are bad for you.

Bacon.

Buses.

Ninjas.

Clowns.

Soy.

Today, scientists from S.U.C.K.A. (Scientists Under Control of Kooky Assholes), have released a study about the newest danger to your mortal coil: Life.

S.U.C.K.A.’s study found that in the end, no matter what you do, life will inevitably kill you.

“It’s the craziest thing,” admits Dr. Lamar Landice. “We ran several different experiments from many different angles. They all had the same conclusion: when Life is over, you die. Everybody. Paupers and Kings alike. No one escapes Life’s murderous tendencies.”

Mankind has been struggling with a harsh environment since the dawn of history. Be it plague, war, famine or disaster, something has always challenged man’s Will to Live. But never before now has it occurred to man that the very reason for his existence is also his ultimate demise. Life is out to kill you, dear reader. But not if the eggheads at S.U.C.K.A. have anything to say about it.

“We’ve already been granted money for Death Aversion Research,” Dr. Landice informed TJI. “Ultimately, we hope to overcome the limitations of Living in order to conquer Dying. Of course, we’ll have to use aggressive research techniques. Life has shown itself to be a tough nut to crack. Once you kill it, it tends to slip away. But it can’t run forever,” Dr. Landice accentuates this remark with a definitive fist clenching. “One day, we’ll back Life into a corner. Then all of its secrets will be granted to us. We will no longer fear Death.”

When asked what a race of immortal beings will do for all of eternity Dr. Landice smiles, “It’s all an experiment,” he says. “Personally, I want to see if there really is enough porn to watch for all of eternity. That was off the record right?”

Death Aversion Research and the scientists working on it are now in a race against Time…and Life. Will these brave men and women find a way to stop Life’s murderous habits before Life kills them too? We can only hope that mighty Science doesn’t fail us now.

%d bloggers like this: