This Just In! Life Will Kill You
Posted by Universal Shift
The world is full of things that are bad for you.
Today, scientists from S.U.C.K.A. (Scientists Under Control of Kooky Assholes), have released a study about the newest danger to your mortal coil: Life.
S.U.C.K.A.’s study found that in the end, no matter what you do, life will inevitably kill you.
“It’s the craziest thing,” admits Dr. Lamar Landice. “We ran several different experiments from many different angles. They all had the same conclusion: when Life is over, you die. Everybody. Paupers and Kings alike. No one escapes Life’s murderous tendencies.”
Mankind has been struggling with a harsh environment since the dawn of history. Be it plague, war, famine or disaster, something has always challenged man’s Will to Live. But never before now has it occurred to man that the very reason for his existence is also his ultimate demise. Life is out to kill you, dear reader. But not if the eggheads at S.U.C.K.A. have anything to say about it.
“We’ve already been granted money for Death Aversion Research,” Dr. Landice informed TJI. “Ultimately, we hope to overcome the limitations of Living in order to conquer Dying. Of course, we’ll have to use aggressive research techniques. Life has shown itself to be a tough nut to crack. Once you kill it, it tends to slip away. But it can’t run forever,” Dr. Landice accentuates this remark with a definitive fist clenching. “One day, we’ll back Life into a corner. Then all of its secrets will be granted to us. We will no longer fear Death.”
When asked what a race of immortal beings will do for all of eternity Dr. Landice smiles, “It’s all an experiment,” he says. “Personally, I want to see if there really is enough porn to watch for all of eternity. That was off the record right?”
Death Aversion Research and the scientists working on it are now in a race against Time…and Life. Will these brave men and women find a way to stop Life’s murderous habits before Life kills them too? We can only hope that mighty Science doesn’t fail us now.
About Universal ShiftI am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.
Posted on May 1, 2012, in Author, Fiction, Philosophy, Religion and Spirituality, Spirituality, writing and tagged bacon, clown, Comedy, Death, doctor, humor, life, news, ninja, Science, soy, Study. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.