A Letter to Blackberry

Dear Blackberry People,

I recently got one of your Blackberry Pearl phones. As I’ve never had a Blackberry, I spent many hours pushing buttons and flipping through screens. Imagine my surprise when one random button I pushed activated the “Voice Command” option. A sexy female voice prompts me to “Say a command”. At first I applauded your ingenuity. To think! A smart phone that follows the commands I dictate to it! I couldn’t wait; I started saying commands.

I say, “Send Ninjas.”
Response: “Say again.”

I say, “Give me $100,000” (I’m not greedy).
Response: “Command not recognized.”

[At this point I’m getting frustrated, but I thought maybe I wasn’t speaking clear enough. So in a clear, articulate voice…]

I say, “Teleport me to Bora Bora.”
Response, “Did you say call Eric at work?”

I say, “Initiate world peace.”
Response, “I’m sorry. Try again?”

Now, either my phone is broken or your phones aren’t as smart as they (and you) would lead us to believe. I’m not asking for much. Just a replacement phone with a working “Voice Command” option. Something about commanding with my voice is very appealing. If you can’t do this, I understand. But you need to understand that in that event, I’ll be switching to a Droid. Because while a Droid isn’t as cool as a Blackberry with a working Voice Command, having a phone with little robot arms that talks like Stephen Hawking would be super cool too.

Thank you,
Jason DeGray

p.s. Something else that bothered me is that the model is named the Pearl. But it looks nothing like a pearl. Or even a clam for that matter.

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About Universal Shift

I am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.

Posted on May 15, 2012, in Author, Fiction, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Mate, send it and await reply.

  2. lol Jason, thanks for the morning laugh. Recently I was arranging a collection on phone through the automated voice response system, damn this happened to me a few times before it redirected me to support. Gadgets… I think we should capture jinnies for that reason… your word… their command 😉
    p.s When you are transported to Bora Bora… fetch me on your way 😉

  3. Haha. This was cute and cheeky. It seems that most people would be lost without their smartphones as they do most everything for us. I had one person try to show me how cool Siri was, but each time they gave a command, she screwed up. LOL.

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