Incident At A Barbecue Restaurant (Partly Inspired By True Events)

Counter Girl: Welcome to Big Booty’s BBQ. What can I get for you today?

Vegan Man: We’d like a pound of chopped meat.

Counter Girl: You’re aware that our meat has meat in it?

Vegan Man: Excuse me?

Counter Girl: Our chopped meat is made with meat cooked in our BBQ sauce.

Vegan Man: Wait, what? We came here for the vegan cuisine. We’ve heard wonderful things about your vegan brisket and tofu honey ham.

Counter Girl: We don’t have that.

Vegan Man: So what you’re telling me is that your meat has actual meat in it?

Counter Girl: Yes sir.

Vegan Man: This is unacceptable. I’d like to see a manager.

Manager: (After a brief moment) Hello sir. I’m the manager. How can I help you?

Vegan Man: I was wondering if you were aware of the meat content of your meat?

Manager: I am sir. Our meat is made with meat. Copious and unapologetic amounts of meat.

Vegan Man: Well what are we supposed to eat then?

Manager: I’d suggest the chopped meat. It’s delicious and simmered in barbecue sauce.

Vegan Woman: But we’re vegans!

Manager: I’m sorry to hear that.

Vegan Man: Excuse me?

Manager: Are you illiterate vegans too?

Vegan Man: Where do you get off?

Manager: Usually in the privacy of my own home. But I was asking about being illiterate vegans because that big sign outside says “Big Booty’s BBQ”.

Vegan Woman: We can read, thank you very much.

Manager: Then what about blindness? Are you blind vegans?

Vegan Woman: Why would you ask that?

Manager: Just trying to understand you. I don’t have your particular affliction. Maybe you went blind from vitamin and mineral deficiencies? The reason I ask is because to either side of the words “Big Booty’s BBQ”, which you seem to be able to read, there’s a picture of a smiling cow and pig. Now if were a picture of a smiling broccoli and tofu I could understand your confusion, but…

Vegan Man: Look. We’re vegans. And we–

Manager: Yes. You’ve mentioned that. And then mentioned it again. And again. I get it. You stuff yourselves so full of tofu and unfermented soy that your voices soften and your bodies get all plump and squishy. You know who else is a vegan?

Vegan Man: Who?

Manager: The cows and pigs that become our delicious chopped meat. Grain fed vegans from day one. Really adds a flavor to the meat…

Vegan Man: Why are you looking at me like that?

Manager: Like what?

Vegan Man: Hungrily. Almost like…

Manager: I was wondering how you’d taste as a cow? Because to be honest…

Vegan Woman: See? I told you we should’ve went to Vegan Town!

Vegan  Man: Enough woman! You know that place is full of hipsters and wannabes! And their tofu burgers are shitty at best.

Vegan Woman: At least they don’t want to eat us!

Manager: Hey! I resent that! Just because you’d probably make delicious barbecue doesn’t mean I want to eat you! I was just wondering. It was purely academic. Now, what would you like to order?

Vegan Man: We were thinking about the chopped meat…

Manager: You know our chopped meat contains meat, right?

Vegan Man: You’re kidding…

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About Universal Shift

I am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.

Posted on May 8, 2013, in Author, Fiction, Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Awesome! Being married to a Texan and living in the south has given me a new perspective on stuff like this.

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