Monthly Archives: February 2016

This Just In! Inside the Life of an Internet Troll pt. 3

Editor’s Note: This Just In! correspondent Lefty Sinister was MIA last week. After a long search, we finally managed to drag his ass out of the strip club and put him back in front of the computer. And so continues our series on Internet Trolls. We apologize for any inconvenience.  —Infinity Jones TJI Editor-in-Chief

 

sjwThe next point in our discussion of Internet Trolls is their aloof detachment. This is a singular trait that allows them to say the most horrible, nasty things about people and then laugh it off. This detachment also allows for you to say the most horrible, nasty things to them and then have them laugh it off. Now, in the real world, people who act with this kind of uncaring disdain for their fellow humans are often called “sociopaths”.  But this isn’t the real world and we aren’t dealing with real people. We are dealing with Internet Trolls, which happen to be the vilest breed of trolls in existence.

But how do any of the universe’s creatures act so maliciously en masse? Is this a trait that all Internet Trolls are born with? The answer is a surprising “No”. They aren’t born with that aloof detachment, it is a skill acquired through rigorous training. There are places on the internet—dark, seedy places full of avarice, lust and all the other deadly sins. These places are called Troll Dungeons and this is where trolls go to deaden their human compassion and common decency. For any aspiring troll, the dungeon is the first stop to proper trollhood. There trolls say the most vicious, nasty things to each other in a kind of verbal sparring. Nothing is off limits, nothing is sacred in these seedy dens of insult and despair.  It is only after they have passed a series of tests, each more lethal than the last, that young internet trolls are given their weapons and sent out into the vast world of social media to wreak havoc and spread their infection. And woe to any fool who stumbles upon a troll dungeon by accident. They will be ripped to shreds without a moment’s thought and their virtual bones used to pick the trolls teeth afterward.

Don’t let their distastefulness fool you, though. Internet Trolls aren’t completely without empathy.  Most of them are avid social justice warriors and will champion any cause from saving epileptic kittens to whatever feminists are whining about this week. They rail against injustice and unfairness in our society while calling those that challenge them every nasty thing they learned in their dungeons. Trolls also love to use whichever trigger words are popular at the moment in order to frighten and confuse their prey. Don’t be fooled by this chicanery, dear reader. This is merely a tactic. A ruse at their disposal to legitimize their aloof detachment.  Being social justice warriors allows them to elevate themselves above their targets and stand on an illusory high ground from whence they rain down judgment on the ignorant masses. Basically, the internet troll uses their myriad of causes to make themselves feel superior to everyone and to justify their uncivil actions towards their fellow beings.

Internet Trolls love a cause, they just despise the people attached to those causes. They despise anyone in general—another result of their training in the dungeons and likely a side effect from a life of scorn and ridicule in the real world. That’s right. What really drives a troll’s aloof detachment are the gigantic chips they all have on their shoulders. Chips which have grown exponentially as the evil demons of political correctness whisper into their ears and convince them of what victims they are—and have always been.

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This Just In! Inside the Life of an Internet Troll Part 2

4440426See Part 1 of our special report on internet trolls.

Continuing our journey into the depths of trolldom, we will be discussing the first trait of the internet troll: cocky superiority.  This complex so closely borders narcissism that it often crosses into the realm to drink at the bars and hit on the women like NMSU students going to Juarez on a Thursday night.

This is the bread and butter of every troll. It is the trait that allows them to dominate any thread, group or forum. The troll could be the most uneducated fool in a discussion, knowing absolutely nothing about what’s going on, but you wouldn’t know it. They will spew the most ignorant, inane shit from their virtual mouths, delighting in the chaos they are sowing.  And they do it without ever being wrong…in their own heads at least.

Trolls strengthen their cocky superiority by using pseudo-factoids they picked up while receiving their internet degrees, which we will discuss later. They really do see themselves as some sort of quasi-intellectuals which only further inflates their complex. And anyone who knows anything knows that nothing is more dangerous than a man on a crusade fueled by narcissism.

To better illustrate this point, I interviewed a notorious troll known by the name 2_Cox.

TJI: Thanks for meeting with me today,. 2_Cox.

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: Right. Well, now that that is out of the way; let’s start the interview.

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: So you said. Now, I was wondering—

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: Yeah. I get it. You’re better than me. Now can I just ask a question?

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: Anyway. I was wondering how you felt about the article on internet trolls in Psychology Today?

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: Enough with that! Answer the question!

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: Will you please stay on topic?

2_Cox. I’m better than you.

TJI: This interview is over.

2_Cox. I’m better than you. Also you’re an asshole.

 

It is plain to see that an internet troll’s cocky superiority can totally derail any kind of serious discussion trying to be had. Their persistence allows for them to squelch even the most determined conversationalist. Before anyone knows what happened, a serious and stimulating conversation descends into people yelling and screaming at one another, calling each other assholes, mother fuckers and whatever other derogatory statements they can muster. And all the while the internet troll sits like a proper shitlord above the chaos he created boldly proclaiming, “I’m better than you.”

 

Bonus section: The Diet of an Internet Troll

As a general rule, trolls can’t cook anything they can’t put in a microwave. Thus, their diets are limited. Trolls can often be seen gorging themselves on Hot Pockets, cereal or ramen noodles. All of these are easy to make and don’t require too much time away from the computer screen, which they must bask in the sickly glow of in order to maintain their pasty complexion. Trolls are also allergic to water in its pure form and survive strictly on Mountain Dew and energy drinks.

This Just In! Inside the Life of Internet Trolls

 

When this story came across my desk at This Just In! HQ, I had to rush it out to the readers. This is perhaps one of the most exciting stories to ever grace our humble news source.  Our correspondent, Lefty Sinister, has been undercover for a year now, infiltrating the darkest depths of the internet to bring you “Inside the Life of an Internet Troll”. Enjoy while Lefty is given several baths and encouraged to remember what it is to be a respectable human.

—Infinity Jones TJI Editor in Chief

 

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No creature is more reviled or more feared than the Internet Troll. Their ungainly and hideous appearance notwithstanding, these monsters are impossible to stomach. Spending any amount of time in the presence of one will almost certainly result in vomiting and anger. Or anger and vomiting, depending on which side you are on. They are nasty, incorrigible and utterly lacking any sort of common decency.

Their numbers have been on the rise as of late which prompted this undercover investigation. I spent the better part of a year in their midst, learning their ways, studying their habits and eventually becoming one of them. That’s right, dear reader, as horrible as it sounds, I became an Internet Troll. And I have returned from the brink of that insanity wiser if not filthier and more than a little full of misplaced disdain for humanity. But putting that aside, I have an exposé to feed your eager brains.

First and foremost we must explore the most common dwelling places of the Internet Troll. They are rarely seen outside their favorite habitats: dark, dank basements or trash-filled efficiency apartments. The Internet Troll is a peculiar creature in this regard. They have a severe allergy to sunlight and fresh air, preferring the gloom and musky stench of their dens above all else.  When they are surfing the web, which they do almost constantly, they prefer to lurk about social media sites and video game forums where they can easily spread their hate and discontent to the general population. Infecting as many people with unnatural hate and discontent is exactly the underlying purpose of the Internet Troll. They are miserable with their condition and seek to spread it to as many innocent folk as they can. It is one of the most deadly threats to modern society and ‘Trollinus Internetious’, as the condition is called, is close to reaching pandemic proportions.

But fear not, gentle reader, I am here to give you the armor you need to protect yourself from these despicable monsters and the infection they spread. The characteristics of the Internet Troll can be broken down into four main categories. These are the traits and weapons most commonly seen throughout their population. They are: a cocky superiority, an aloof detachment, internet degrees and memes. We will be discussing each one in depth in the coming days and exposing these beasts for the incorrigible menaces to mental wellbeing that they are. Until then, stay strong and above all, DON’T FEED THE TROLLS!

Slow Day at the Mental Office

And it’s not even noon yet…

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An Open Letter To Political Correctness from the First Amendment

Dear Political Correctness,

You failed. Utterly and completely. That ultra tolerant society you promised where we all flitted around on marshmallow clouds patting each other on the back for being such strong victims was and still is a pipe dream. Instead, you took a once proud nation and people and turned them into a bunch of mewling self entitled hipsters with shelves full of participation trophies whose only addition to society is sitting in their parents’ basements whining about how victimized they are on social media.

Everyone suffers. Everyone struggles. One person’s suffering doesn’t make them more worthy of pity and free handouts. You’ve taken our grit, Political Correctness, and turned a whole population of people into raging pussies who think they can identify as a unicorn if they “resonate with it”. Well fuck you, Political Correctness. We’re through. You can take your bullshit ideologies and shove them where the sun don’t shine. And if that makes me an asshole, so be it.

Quit telling us how to think!

Sincerely,
The First Amendment

Daily Wisdom-isms: William Bramley

“Anything can be disputed. To begin a dispute, all one needs to do is open one’s mouth and utter a few words. The mere existence of a dispute, therefore, does not in itself deny the reality of a thing. The dispute simply means that someone has chosen to quarrel, whether for good reasons or bad.” —-William Bramley “Gods of Eden”

My foray into the world of social media left a bad taste in my mouth. And one of the biggest reasons for that distaste can be found in the quote above. Some people have a tendency to believe that the existence of a dispute definitely DOES deny the reality of a thing. As a result they cling to the dispute as truth so vehemently that they are no longer able to separate it from reality.

This brought a sad realization to my heart. The realization that we really don’t want to learn.We don’t want to be educated, to become better or smarter.We want to be RIGHT. Even when we are wrong, we still want to be RIGHT. Even if we should take something as an opportunity for growth, we still want to be right. Thus, truth becomes subjective and open to personal interpretation and disputes become foundations for reality.

She Laughed

She laughed a beautiful tune and twirled around

to blow a sweet breeze across the muggy woodlands of a Midsummer’s soul.

This was her only answer.

Always and forever.

The same lonely song,

the same unwilling sonata refusing to be written.

Daily Wisdom-isms: Rumi

From “The Community of the Spirit”

Why do you stay in prison

When the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking

Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always

Widening rings of being.

 

We live in a world that has lost its sense of wonder. Even when presented with the miraculous or fantastic, people deny the possibility because their eyes have been closed by a technological self-absorption. In this “real” world, devoid of wonder, people wander aimlessly in search of constant stimulation to quiet the call of the Void that has opened up in their hearts. This mad decent into zealous Scientism is not a good thing—a step in the direction of progress—like so many of its prophets would have us believe. It is a slide into madness—into another Dark Age. But this time it won’t be a Dark Age of Knowledge, but of the Spirit.

Life IS wondrous. The Cosmos IS full of miracles. There ARE other worlds and realms to explore. Allowing ourselves these moments of awe loosens the chains of our perception, they allow for us to experience through the heart and liberate ourselves from this reductionist prison of hyper-rationality that our jailors so desire to keep us trapped within and our hearts transfixed on.

The War on Ideas

Religion isn’t the enemy of humanity. Ideas are. That’s what the Machine doesn’t want us to remember. All religions started out as ideas. As revolutionary ideas that shook up the complacency of society. So when the Machine turns society against religions it isn’t because God doesn’t exist and humanity needs a new age of reason. No. It’s exactly the opposite. The Machine turns us against religion to turn us against ideas. Against the notion that we deserve better–that society really isn’t the techno paradise that is presented to us. The Machine begs us to reject ideas, to reject change because once we start to do that, we realize that our lives, our rights and freedom itself isn’t a reality, but a carefully constructed illusion that only exists because the people have given up on ideas and exchanged freedom for comfortable complacency.

This Just In! Denver Victory Predicted by Sports Psychic

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Biff Wellington in one of his famous psychic trances

In the wake of Denver’s recent Big Game victory comes a startling surprise. Their win was predicted over 50 years ago by a self proclaimed ‘sports psychic’. Biff Wellingington, also known as ‘The Psychic Announcer’, for his tendency to voice all his predictions in a radio announcer’s voice.

“In the days of excess and wantonness

When our great nation is crumbling beneath our feet

The fiery eyed bronco will drive the panther underfoot.

Victory shall be won in a game so big

That the very utterance of its name

Will require proper compensation.

All is vanity. Consume, slaves!

Consume! All is vanity.”

Wellington wasn’t always a psychic. He started life as the good for nothing trust fund baby of a rich Wall Street banker. He spent a large portion of his life laying around poolside and sexually harassing cocktail waitresses until one fateful day. On that day, Biff was playing tennis when he was distracted by the beauty of a passing woman. As he was ogling her, he was struck in the head with a tennis ball. The resulting trauma put him in a coma for almost a month. Upon waking from the coma he uttered his first prophecy.

“He is a glass skeleton in a room full of rocks.

The Cowboy’s back shall be broken

A thousand times,

A thousand tears,

Wept by a distraught people.

Why Jessica Simpson?

Why?”

This chilling statement foretells the multiple injuries of the Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback, Tony Romo. And even alludes to his tragic break up with pop star Jessica Simpson.

Though he predicted the outcomes of several future sporting events, Wellington was never able to cash in on his great ability.  TJI expert on psychic phenomena, Imro Fox, explains why.

“Most people with prophetic powers like this don’t even understand what they are seeing at the time. Prophecy is best interpreted in hindsight when all the facts have revealed themselves. It’s not like he went back to the future and stole a sports almanac or anything. These were raw visions, experienced in real time. There was no way for him to know what was going on or really who it was referring to.”

Sadly, Wellington died a pauper at the age of 78. He spent his father’s fortune on a series of bad bets based on misinterpreted visions. His most tragic loss came as a result of betting against the Celtics in the 1962 NBA Championship. He based his bets on the following vision:

“A legacy of basketball stardom

Rising and rising

Reaching the topmost heights

Only to plummet to the bottommost low.

He peddles underwear for fruity overlords.

Don’t play baseball.

You’re terrible at baseball!”

Wellington died shortly after his 1962 loss, broke and alone in a dingy hotel in Orlando, Florida. Fortunately, his legacy lives on in the Wellington Sports Group, which was founded shortly after his death and is dedicated to studying his many sports predictions.

 

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