This Just In! Denver Victory Predicted by Sports Psychic
Posted by Universal Shift
In the wake of Denver’s recent Big Game victory comes a startling surprise. Their win was predicted over 50 years ago by a self proclaimed ‘sports psychic’. Biff Wellingington, also known as ‘The Psychic Announcer’, for his tendency to voice all his predictions in a radio announcer’s voice.
“In the days of excess and wantonness
When our great nation is crumbling beneath our feet
The fiery eyed bronco will drive the panther underfoot.
Victory shall be won in a game so big
That the very utterance of its name
Will require proper compensation.
All is vanity. Consume, slaves!
Consume! All is vanity.”
Wellington wasn’t always a psychic. He started life as the good for nothing trust fund baby of a rich Wall Street banker. He spent a large portion of his life laying around poolside and sexually harassing cocktail waitresses until one fateful day. On that day, Biff was playing tennis when he was distracted by the beauty of a passing woman. As he was ogling her, he was struck in the head with a tennis ball. The resulting trauma put him in a coma for almost a month. Upon waking from the coma he uttered his first prophecy.
“He is a glass skeleton in a room full of rocks.
The Cowboy’s back shall be broken
A thousand times,
A thousand tears,
Wept by a distraught people.
Why Jessica Simpson?
This chilling statement foretells the multiple injuries of the Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback, Tony Romo. And even alludes to his tragic break up with pop star Jessica Simpson.
Though he predicted the outcomes of several future sporting events, Wellington was never able to cash in on his great ability. TJI expert on psychic phenomena, Imro Fox, explains why.
“Most people with prophetic powers like this don’t even understand what they are seeing at the time. Prophecy is best interpreted in hindsight when all the facts have revealed themselves. It’s not like he went back to the future and stole a sports almanac or anything. These were raw visions, experienced in real time. There was no way for him to know what was going on or really who it was referring to.”
Sadly, Wellington died a pauper at the age of 78. He spent his father’s fortune on a series of bad bets based on misinterpreted visions. His most tragic loss came as a result of betting against the Celtics in the 1962 NBA Championship. He based his bets on the following vision:
“A legacy of basketball stardom
Rising and rising
Reaching the topmost heights
Only to plummet to the bottommost low.
He peddles underwear for fruity overlords.
Don’t play baseball.
You’re terrible at baseball!”
Wellington died shortly after his 1962 loss, broke and alone in a dingy hotel in Orlando, Florida. Fortunately, his legacy lives on in the Wellington Sports Group, which was founded shortly after his death and is dedicated to studying his many sports predictions.
About Universal ShiftI am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.
Posted on February 8, 2016, in Author, Fiction, Uncategorized, writing and tagged baseball, basketball, big game, cowboys, denver, football, news, panthers, psychic, sports. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.