This Just In! Inside the Life of an Internet Troll Part 2

4440426See Part 1 of our special report on internet trolls.

Continuing our journey into the depths of trolldom, we will be discussing the first trait of the internet troll: cocky superiority.  This complex so closely borders narcissism that it often crosses into the realm to drink at the bars and hit on the women like NMSU students going to Juarez on a Thursday night.

This is the bread and butter of every troll. It is the trait that allows them to dominate any thread, group or forum. The troll could be the most uneducated fool in a discussion, knowing absolutely nothing about what’s going on, but you wouldn’t know it. They will spew the most ignorant, inane shit from their virtual mouths, delighting in the chaos they are sowing.  And they do it without ever being wrong…in their own heads at least.

Trolls strengthen their cocky superiority by using pseudo-factoids they picked up while receiving their internet degrees, which we will discuss later. They really do see themselves as some sort of quasi-intellectuals which only further inflates their complex. And anyone who knows anything knows that nothing is more dangerous than a man on a crusade fueled by narcissism.

To better illustrate this point, I interviewed a notorious troll known by the name 2_Cox.

TJI: Thanks for meeting with me today,. 2_Cox.

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: Right. Well, now that that is out of the way; let’s start the interview.

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: So you said. Now, I was wondering—

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: Yeah. I get it. You’re better than me. Now can I just ask a question?

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: Anyway. I was wondering how you felt about the article on internet trolls in Psychology Today?

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: Enough with that! Answer the question!

2_Cox: I’m better than you.

TJI: Will you please stay on topic?

2_Cox. I’m better than you.

TJI: This interview is over.

2_Cox. I’m better than you. Also you’re an asshole.

 

It is plain to see that an internet troll’s cocky superiority can totally derail any kind of serious discussion trying to be had. Their persistence allows for them to squelch even the most determined conversationalist. Before anyone knows what happened, a serious and stimulating conversation descends into people yelling and screaming at one another, calling each other assholes, mother fuckers and whatever other derogatory statements they can muster. And all the while the internet troll sits like a proper shitlord above the chaos he created boldly proclaiming, “I’m better than you.”

 

Bonus section: The Diet of an Internet Troll

As a general rule, trolls can’t cook anything they can’t put in a microwave. Thus, their diets are limited. Trolls can often be seen gorging themselves on Hot Pockets, cereal or ramen noodles. All of these are easy to make and don’t require too much time away from the computer screen, which they must bask in the sickly glow of in order to maintain their pasty complexion. Trolls are also allergic to water in its pure form and survive strictly on Mountain Dew and energy drinks.

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About Universal Shift

I am the Sonata Unusual. I coat myself with some obtuse angle too far below zero to become any warmer. I create motivation, activate schemas, moisten gardens with scents of natural honeydew. Construct this meaning, you sleepy flock. Silence your singing—despairing contortions out of tune. Shatter the brittle butterfly glass with your hideous wailing. I am born of my god’s imagination. When I die I shall meet him. For there are many things to discuss over tea…or scotch.

Posted on February 23, 2016, in Author, Fiction, Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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