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This Just In! Reason Behind High Gas Prices Revealed

In these trying times, we get all kinds of excuses for things being the way they are. Gas prices are no exception. And every time there is an increase in gas prices, there’s an increase of bullshit to excuse it.

“More demand in developing countries”, “natural disasters”, and “political unrest” are three of the most popular reasons tossed around in a variety of ways. But here at TJI we take our journalistic integrity seriously. Which is why my editor told me to get to the bottom of the matter or die trying.

Using secret journalist ninja techniques (consuming copious amounts of grain alcohol and cavorting with dancing naked women), I coaxed the truth from a top U.S. Government Official. Here’s the rundown of our conversation.

TJI: What’s really going on with gasoline prices?

US: I like your style boy. I’m gonna give it to you straight.

TJI: I’d appreciate that.

US: Robots.

TJI: I’m sorry, did you say ‘robots’?

US: I did. Giant robots. See, all the world leaders are huge fans of Voltron and Battle Tech. Betcha didn’t know that, did you? It’s all we talk about at UN meetings anymore.

TJI: Where are these giant robots? I surely haven’t seen any driving down the Interstate lately.

US: They’re in space. More specifically, they’re on the moon. S’why we really cancelled the NASA program. We needed the spare parts. It’s also the real reason behind the rash of satellites “crashing to earth” lately. NASA junk never could hold together.

TJI: What do you do with these giant robots on the moon?

US: What do you think we do with them? We fight with them! Jesus, boy! What part of Voltron and Battletech didn’t you get?

TJI: And these robots use gasoline?

US: More than you’d believe. Enough to make you shit yourself right here if you knew how much. I mean, in one of the Mechs is an engine equivalent to around 20 diesel engines. You can burn through enough gas to fuel a small country for a month. And that’s just in one round.

TJI: Do you think it’s a little irresponsible to be wasting our dwindling natural resources goofing around and fighting space robots?

US: Us personally? No. But our publicists thought it might not go over well with the general masses. So we had the eggheads in one of our Think Tanks drum up some legitimate sounding excuses. And there you have it.

Exactly. There you have it. Giant government space robots. So next time you’re smoldering over asinine prices at the gas pump, you can thank Anime for its part in the collapse of the global economy.

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She Cries

She cries because she is ancient.
She worships the moon
listening for lunar whispers
to lead her to forgotten holy ground.

She loves the sun when she laughs
and hides her tears in the rain.

She glides.
She moves.
She exists within the pulse of the Flow.
But then again…
it’s all a Flow
and she knows.

She weeps because she is primitive.
An unheard melody in a civilized symphony of distraction.
While all the big machines and gadgets of the World fight
and the men with big brains and guns destroy,
She accepts.
And they always fail.

The wind still whistles.
The birds still sing.

She cries because she is all that is left of a Radiant Spirit.
And all her children mourn with her.
If she dissipates…
Then so do you…
So do I…
She is Gaia’s perfect creation,
Love,
and the comfort of a mother’s caress.
She is whatever it is that will save you.
Look for her
hiding inside the subtle redemption found in dreams.

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