In a shocking but supremely humanitarian announcement today, the UN unveiled its plan to finally eradicate world hunger. The plan comes as a result of the hard work and dedication of a UN sponsored panel on world hunger named The Modest Proposal Project. (more…)
Editor’s Note: This Just In! correspondent Lefty Sinister was MIA last week. After a long search, we finally managed to drag his ass out of the strip club and put him back in front of the computer. And so continues our series on Internet Trolls. We apologize for any inconvenience. —Infinity Jones TJI Editor-in-Chief
The next point in our discussion of Internet Trolls is their aloof detachment. This is a singular trait that allows them to say the most horrible, nasty things about people and then laugh it off. This detachment also allows for you to say the most horrible, nasty things to them and then have them laugh it off. Now, in the real world, people who act with this kind of uncaring disdain for their fellow humans are often called “sociopaths”. But this isn’t the real world and we aren’t dealing with real people. We are dealing with Internet Trolls, which happen to be the vilest breed of trolls in existence.
But how do any of the universe’s creatures act so maliciously en masse? Is this a trait that all Internet Trolls are born with? The answer is a surprising “No”. They aren’t born with that aloof detachment, it is a skill acquired through rigorous training. There are places on the internet—dark, seedy places full of avarice, lust and all the other deadly sins. These places are called Troll Dungeons and this is where trolls go to deaden their human compassion and common decency. For any aspiring troll, the dungeon is the first stop to proper trollhood. There trolls say the most vicious, nasty things to each other in a kind of verbal sparring. Nothing is off limits, nothing is sacred in these seedy dens of insult and despair. It is only after they have passed a series of tests, each more lethal than the last, that young internet trolls are given their weapons and sent out into the vast world of social media to wreak havoc and spread their infection. And woe to any fool who stumbles upon a troll dungeon by accident. They will be ripped to shreds without a moment’s thought and their virtual bones used to pick the trolls teeth afterward.
Don’t let their distastefulness fool you, though. Internet Trolls aren’t completely without empathy. Most of them are avid social justice warriors and will champion any cause from saving epileptic kittens to whatever feminists are whining about this week. They rail against injustice and unfairness in our society while calling those that challenge them every nasty thing they learned in their dungeons. Trolls also love to use whichever trigger words are popular at the moment in order to frighten and confuse their prey. Don’t be fooled by this chicanery, dear reader. This is merely a tactic. A ruse at their disposal to legitimize their aloof detachment. Being social justice warriors allows them to elevate themselves above their targets and stand on an illusory high ground from whence they rain down judgment on the ignorant masses. Basically, the internet troll uses their myriad of causes to make themselves feel superior to everyone and to justify their uncivil actions towards their fellow beings.
Internet Trolls love a cause, they just despise the people attached to those causes. They despise anyone in general—another result of their training in the dungeons and likely a side effect from a life of scorn and ridicule in the real world. That’s right. What really drives a troll’s aloof detachment are the gigantic chips they all have on their shoulders. Chips which have grown exponentially as the evil demons of political correctness whisper into their ears and convince them of what victims they are—and have always been.
Continuing our journey into the depths of trolldom, we will be discussing the first trait of the internet troll: cocky superiority. This complex so closely borders narcissism that it often crosses into the realm to drink at the bars and hit on the women like NMSU students going to Juarez on a Thursday night.
This is the bread and butter of every troll. It is the trait that allows them to dominate any thread, group or forum. The troll could be the most uneducated fool in a discussion, knowing absolutely nothing about what’s going on, but you wouldn’t know it. They will spew the most ignorant, inane shit from their virtual mouths, delighting in the chaos they are sowing. And they do it without ever being wrong…in their own heads at least.
Trolls strengthen their cocky superiority by using pseudo-factoids they picked up while receiving their internet degrees, which we will discuss later. They really do see themselves as some sort of quasi-intellectuals which only further inflates their complex. And anyone who knows anything knows that nothing is more dangerous than a man on a crusade fueled by narcissism.
To better illustrate this point, I interviewed a notorious troll known by the name 2_Cox.
TJI: Thanks for meeting with me today,. 2_Cox.
2_Cox: I’m better than you.
TJI: Right. Well, now that that is out of the way; let’s start the interview.
2_Cox: I’m better than you.
TJI: So you said. Now, I was wondering—
2_Cox: I’m better than you.
TJI: Yeah. I get it. You’re better than me. Now can I just ask a question?
2_Cox: I’m better than you.
TJI: Anyway. I was wondering how you felt about the article on internet trolls in Psychology Today?
2_Cox: I’m better than you.
TJI: Enough with that! Answer the question!
2_Cox: I’m better than you.
TJI: Will you please stay on topic?
2_Cox. I’m better than you.
TJI: This interview is over.
2_Cox. I’m better than you. Also you’re an asshole.
It is plain to see that an internet troll’s cocky superiority can totally derail any kind of serious discussion trying to be had. Their persistence allows for them to squelch even the most determined conversationalist. Before anyone knows what happened, a serious and stimulating conversation descends into people yelling and screaming at one another, calling each other assholes, mother fuckers and whatever other derogatory statements they can muster. And all the while the internet troll sits like a proper shitlord above the chaos he created boldly proclaiming, “I’m better than you.”
Bonus section: The Diet of an Internet Troll
As a general rule, trolls can’t cook anything they can’t put in a microwave. Thus, their diets are limited. Trolls can often be seen gorging themselves on Hot Pockets, cereal or ramen noodles. All of these are easy to make and don’t require too much time away from the computer screen, which they must bask in the sickly glow of in order to maintain their pasty complexion. Trolls are also allergic to water in its pure form and survive strictly on Mountain Dew and energy drinks.
When this story came across my desk at This Just In! HQ, I had to rush it out to the readers. This is perhaps one of the most exciting stories to ever grace our humble news source. Our correspondent, Lefty Sinister, has been undercover for a year now, infiltrating the darkest depths of the internet to bring you “Inside the Life of an Internet Troll”. Enjoy while Lefty is given several baths and encouraged to remember what it is to be a respectable human.
—Infinity Jones TJI Editor in Chief
No creature is more reviled or more feared than the Internet Troll. Their ungainly and hideous appearance notwithstanding, these monsters are impossible to stomach. Spending any amount of time in the presence of one will almost certainly result in vomiting and anger. Or anger and vomiting, depending on which side you are on. They are nasty, incorrigible and utterly lacking any sort of common decency.
Their numbers have been on the rise as of late which prompted this undercover investigation. I spent the better part of a year in their midst, learning their ways, studying their habits and eventually becoming one of them. That’s right, dear reader, as horrible as it sounds, I became an Internet Troll. And I have returned from the brink of that insanity wiser if not filthier and more than a little full of misplaced disdain for humanity. But putting that aside, I have an exposé to feed your eager brains.
First and foremost we must explore the most common dwelling places of the Internet Troll. They are rarely seen outside their favorite habitats: dark, dank basements or trash-filled efficiency apartments. The Internet Troll is a peculiar creature in this regard. They have a severe allergy to sunlight and fresh air, preferring the gloom and musky stench of their dens above all else. When they are surfing the web, which they do almost constantly, they prefer to lurk about social media sites and video game forums where they can easily spread their hate and discontent to the general population. Infecting as many people with unnatural hate and discontent is exactly the underlying purpose of the Internet Troll. They are miserable with their condition and seek to spread it to as many innocent folk as they can. It is one of the most deadly threats to modern society and ‘Trollinus Internetious’, as the condition is called, is close to reaching pandemic proportions.
But fear not, gentle reader, I am here to give you the armor you need to protect yourself from these despicable monsters and the infection they spread. The characteristics of the Internet Troll can be broken down into four main categories. These are the traits and weapons most commonly seen throughout their population. They are: a cocky superiority, an aloof detachment, internet degrees and memes. We will be discussing each one in depth in the coming days and exposing these beasts for the incorrigible menaces to mental wellbeing that they are. Until then, stay strong and above all, DON’T FEED THE TROLLS!
In the wake of Denver’s recent Big Game victory comes a startling surprise. Their win was predicted over 50 years ago by a self proclaimed ‘sports psychic’. Biff Wellingington, also known as ‘The Psychic Announcer’, for his tendency to voice all his predictions in a radio announcer’s voice.
“In the days of excess and wantonness
When our great nation is crumbling beneath our feet
The fiery eyed bronco will drive the panther underfoot.
Victory shall be won in a game so big
That the very utterance of its name
Will require proper compensation.
All is vanity. Consume, slaves!
Consume! All is vanity.”
Wellington wasn’t always a psychic. He started life as the good for nothing trust fund baby of a rich Wall Street banker. He spent a large portion of his life laying around poolside and sexually harassing cocktail waitresses until one fateful day. On that day, Biff was playing tennis when he was distracted by the beauty of a passing woman. As he was ogling her, he was struck in the head with a tennis ball. The resulting trauma put him in a coma for almost a month. Upon waking from the coma he uttered his first prophecy.
“He is a glass skeleton in a room full of rocks.
The Cowboy’s back shall be broken
A thousand times,
A thousand tears,
Wept by a distraught people.
Why Jessica Simpson?
This chilling statement foretells the multiple injuries of the Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback, Tony Romo. And even alludes to his tragic break up with pop star Jessica Simpson.
Though he predicted the outcomes of several future sporting events, Wellington was never able to cash in on his great ability. TJI expert on psychic phenomena, Imro Fox, explains why.
“Most people with prophetic powers like this don’t even understand what they are seeing at the time. Prophecy is best interpreted in hindsight when all the facts have revealed themselves. It’s not like he went back to the future and stole a sports almanac or anything. These were raw visions, experienced in real time. There was no way for him to know what was going on or really who it was referring to.”
Sadly, Wellington died a pauper at the age of 78. He spent his father’s fortune on a series of bad bets based on misinterpreted visions. His most tragic loss came as a result of betting against the Celtics in the 1962 NBA Championship. He based his bets on the following vision:
“A legacy of basketball stardom
Rising and rising
Reaching the topmost heights
Only to plummet to the bottommost low.
He peddles underwear for fruity overlords.
Don’t play baseball.
You’re terrible at baseball!”
Wellington died shortly after his 1962 loss, broke and alone in a dingy hotel in Orlando, Florida. Fortunately, his legacy lives on in the Wellington Sports Group, which was founded shortly after his death and is dedicated to studying his many sports predictions.
After a stunning report on the rash of ghost sightings by Japanese cabbies, what follows should come as no surprise. It seems these ghostly passengers are refusing to pay for the rides they are getting and this is causing cabbies much stress.
“It’s not bad enough that they hop in our cabs and ask to be taken to places wiped out during the tsunami,” taxi driver Akio Watanabe told This Just In, “But once we get there, they disappear without paying anything!”
If it were just once in a while, the cabbies could overlook it. “You have to understand, once the meter goes on, someone is paying for the fare,” Watanabe continues, “And when these freeloading ghosts skip out on the cab fare that means it’s coming out of our pockets! I have a family to feed. I can’t afford to be giving lazy ghosts rides to nowhere.”
And if all this isn’t bad enough, the ride to these locations is often a long one. “No one ever goes to these places anymore,” explained Watanabe, “Most of them were wiped out by the tsunami or irradiated by Fukashima. It’s a long ride out to them only to have them skip out on the fares. We miss out on other legitimate fares because of these uncaring ghosts.”
Unfortunately, there are no solutions for this problem on the horizon. “How do you make ghosts pay money? They’re ghosts! They don’t have money. They don’t even really need a ride. They could just appear wherever they’re going if they really wanted to.”
Resident TJI ghost expert John Blackstone weighs in on this phenomena, “Well, spirit travelling takes a lot of energy. Most likely these spirits are not wanting to use up all there energy getting to a place. They’re probably saving it up so they can properly haunt these ruined areas. As a ghost hunter, I can appreciate the spirits’ dedication to haunting. Nothing is more frustrating than showing up to a ghost hunt only to have the ghosts not appear for lack of expendable energy.”
Watanabe doesn’t agree, “You know what’s more frustrating than ghosts not showing up? Ghosts who expect handouts and special treatment because they’re dead. I wonder how many of these ghosts were hikikomori when they were alive? Most of them, I’m betting.” He shakes his head in disgust, “Worthless part timers.”
For now, there is no resolution in sight for this disturbing trend. “We [cabbies ed.] will most likely stop giving rides to areas hit by the tsunami. We just can’t afford it anymore. I hope the ghosts get the message and start showing a little initiative in getting to their haunting spots.”
Good news for shitty parents everywhere. A new study has shown that marijuana users have abnormalities in their brains in the areas that control motivation and emotions. What does this mean for you as a less-than-perfect parent? Well, if your kid is a spoiled, entitled, unmotivated sociopath then good news is he’s probably a pot head.
There was really nothing you did wrong, horrible parents. Were you emotionally distant? Didn’t show your kid enough affection when they were growing up? Or maybe you pushed TOO hard, molding your kid to conform to your ideals until they resented you for it and began to crack? Did your kid grow up to be a cold, emotionless sociopath? There’s nothing wrong with that. Blame it on the drugs. And not just any drugs. Oh no, no. Forget about the effects that antidepressants have on the developing brain. Don’t pay any attention to the fact that nearly all of the mass shooters in the past twenty years were on prescription meds. Those drugs are perfectly safe and acceptable because they have billion dollar lobbyists influencing the incorruptible politicians that run our country. What’s really to blame here is pot. Yup. Pot.
We were warned about this decades ago with the release of the documentary film “Reefer Madness” which cataloged the ill effects that marijuana use has on the adolescent psyche. But we didn’t listen. Those damned hippies and blues musicians popularized it in the mainstream and our country has been suffering a steady decline ever since. Gone are the days of the self-motivated go getter. The times of the over-emotional pussy who bawls at the beauty of a sunset are long past. And left in their wake is the era of the unmotivated, entitled sociopaths. And it’s all because of marijuana. This news comes as a relief to awful parents everywhere.
“I’m so relieved,” sighed Terry T. 35, a mother of a 15 year old boy. “We’ve always given [Brian] everything he wanted. We fawned over him, inflated his ego and self-esteem and tried to show him that the world owed him everything simply because he was born.” But despite their aggressive parenting, Brian was acting strangely. “We noticed some attitude changes in Brian recently. Most notably a lack of motivation to do anything but play video games all day and scathing disrespect to anyone who upset him. My husband and I thought it could be us, but then we found the copy of “Dazed and Confused” in his Blu-Ray player and it all became clear. Our little angel was a pot head.”
But it’s not just adolescents being devastated by marijuana. Reginald Lee, a 65 year old construction worker, recalls his account with his 35 year old son.
“My boy has always been kinda kooky. You know, into reading and writing and all sorts of artsy shit. Anyway, he graduated college and got a job delivering pizzas. Telling me he refused to waste his life feeding a system that’s sole purpose was the subjugation of the human spirit or something like that. Of course I kicked his ass and made him go to work with me. Well, about two weeks into it, I caught him smoking a joint on his lunch break. At first I thought I was to blame somehow, but that didn’t stick well with me. I mean, I was only trying to raise the boy right. Then I heard about this study and it all made perfect sense. I did raise my boy right. It was the damn pot that turned him into a lazy good-for-nothing.”
In an era of rampant self-entitlement, emotional dullness bordering on the sociopathic and a near-catatonic lack of motivation, this study acts as a breath of fresh air for concerned parents everywhere. It’s not you.
It’s not the emotionally dulling drugs you put your kids on from the time they were toddlers. It’s not the lack of attention or even paying them too much attention. It’s not about buying into the lie that “everyone is a winner, hooray for participation trophies!” Nor does it have anything to do with society’s complete lack of accountability. Nay, good reader. Here in the modern world, it’s always someone or something else’s fault. And this time, thank God, it’s marijuana’s fault. So go back to what you were doing. Live your lives in blissful ignorance taking comfort in the fact that whenever scapegoats are needed, science is there to provide them for us.
Tags: accountability, ADD, Antidepressants, brain, Comedy, dazed and confused, drugs, emotion, emotional, fiction, Marijuana, motivation, news, parenting, parents, pot, prescription drugs, reefer madness, Science, Society, Study, unmotivated, Writing
A new report issued by Scientists Under Control of Kooks and Assholes found that it really is all in your head. And by “it”, I mean the big It. The world. The Universe. Reality.
“It’s true. Nothing but a figment of the collective imagination,” affirmed Dr. Norman Peabody, lead SUCKA scientist for their Department of Quantumly Physical Thingies and Whatnots and chief egghead on the project.
When asked about the specifics of the experiment, Dr. Peabody took on a very defensive and aloof air. “Those processes are far above the comprehension of the normal masses. Suffice to say, the evidence was there.”
But journalistic integrity demanded that I press further. Finally, Dr. Peabody relented a few of their top secret methods.
“What we did was we took a lot of blind people and put them in a big room. Then, we told them to point to a poster we had on the wall. Only, we didn’t put a poster on the wall in the room. But that didn’t stop everyone from pointing. Some people even claimed to see it! Can you imagine? Describing a poster that doesn’t exist? That’s when my team and I realized that if people want to see something bad enough they will conjure it up out of thin air. Literally.”
“How does that prove reality is all in your head?” I had to ask.
“Because they couldn’t see and they saw a poster anyway! Don’t you get it?”
I admitted that I didn’t.
“Small-minded flagellate spoor,” mumbled the good doctor. “Here’s another example. We put a bunch of deaf people in a room and told them to listen to a recording and repeat it back to us. They couldn’t do it.”
“Not too surprising. They’re hearing impaired.”
“Exactly! They couldn’t hear it, but the sound was there! That’s when my team and I realized that just because you can’t hear a tune doesn’t mean there isn’t one on the juke box. But to them, see, sound doesn’t exist. So in their world, there really is NO sound! Are you getting how deep this is?”
“I’m starting to. Give me the deepest thing you’ve got. Let’s get to the heart of the matter.”
“Alright. But this one is off the record.”
“Of course.” I put down my notepad, but left the recorder in my pocket running.
Peabody looked around and leaned in close before revealing, “We interviewed several comatose patients,” in a hoarse whisper.
“You what?” I shouted. “What good could that possibly serve?”
“Shhhh! Calm down! It served plenty of good! We asked them basic questions about their surroundings. Asked them to describe the rooms they were in, what the interviewers and doctors looked like. What sounds and smells they noticed. Not one of them could answer a single question.”
“No shit, Sherlock! They are comatose!!” At this point my journalistic patience was being tested to its limits. I took a deep breath and said, “Really? This is scientific integrity?”
“It certainly is,” said Peabody adding a curt tone to his elitist smugness. “The reason they couldn’t answer is because this world isn’t real to them. They are getting absolutely no sensory input from their environments. Sensory input, as we know, is taken in via our sensory organs and processed in our brains. Without sensory input to construct a physical world, the physical world doesn’t exist. Do you see the profound implications this has on psychology and spirituality?”
“For sure. You’ve profoundly implicated that blind people can’t see, deaf people can’t hear and comatose people are perpetually asleep.”
“No. We’ve proved that nothing exists outside our own perceptions of it. This includes God, Santa Clause, social equality and soccer in America.”
I wasn’t convinced. “There’s soccer in America?”
But Dr. Peabody didn’t hear me. “If you think this is great, wait till our next experiment. The final nail in the coffin of all idiots who believe in things paranormal or supernatural.”
“Do tell. Just a tiny hint for our readers.”
Dr. Peabody was obviously conflicted, but he was so proud of himself that he couldn’t help but blurt out, “We’re hanging pictures facing the ceiling in operating rooms.”
“What the hell for?”
“That way, when patients claim to have out of body experiences, we can ask them to describe the pictures to us. If they can’t then the OBE was obviously false.”
I had no words. I know that as a journalist this shouldn’t happen, but my jaw was slack with disbelief for so long that I started drooling. Finally I croaked something about “Absurd and irrational rationality” and fled to the nearest bar where my great friend Captain Morgan assured me that the “real world” spun and lurched uncontrollably, walking in straight lines is for pussies not pirates, and that waking up without heaving your guts out really isn’t waking up at all.
The world is full of things that are bad for you.
Today, scientists from S.U.C.K.A. (Scientists Under Control of Kooky Assholes), have released a study about the newest danger to your mortal coil: Life.
S.U.C.K.A.’s study found that in the end, no matter what you do, life will inevitably kill you.
“It’s the craziest thing,” admits Dr. Lamar Landice. “We ran several different experiments from many different angles. They all had the same conclusion: when Life is over, you die. Everybody. Paupers and Kings alike. No one escapes Life’s murderous tendencies.”
Mankind has been struggling with a harsh environment since the dawn of history. Be it plague, war, famine or disaster, something has always challenged man’s Will to Live. But never before now has it occurred to man that the very reason for his existence is also his ultimate demise. Life is out to kill you, dear reader. But not if the eggheads at S.U.C.K.A. have anything to say about it.
“We’ve already been granted money for Death Aversion Research,” Dr. Landice informed TJI. “Ultimately, we hope to overcome the limitations of Living in order to conquer Dying. Of course, we’ll have to use aggressive research techniques. Life has shown itself to be a tough nut to crack. Once you kill it, it tends to slip away. But it can’t run forever,” Dr. Landice accentuates this remark with a definitive fist clenching. “One day, we’ll back Life into a corner. Then all of its secrets will be granted to us. We will no longer fear Death.”
When asked what a race of immortal beings will do for all of eternity Dr. Landice smiles, “It’s all an experiment,” he says. “Personally, I want to see if there really is enough porn to watch for all of eternity. That was off the record right?”
Death Aversion Research and the scientists working on it are now in a race against Time…and Life. Will these brave men and women find a way to stop Life’s murderous habits before Life kills them too? We can only hope that mighty Science doesn’t fail us now.
By this point, if you haven’t picked up a copy of this magnificent work of art, you should. It’s worth every penny. In this excerpt, our hero Mark is becoming a bit disenchanted with his place within the evil organization known as N.I.C.E. Things seem ambiguous…without direction. And as frustrating as this is, Fairy Hardcastle explains that it is exactly how things have to be. Enjoy!
“I’ve no notion of spending my life writing newspaper articles,” Mark said. “And if I had, I’d want to know a good deal more about the politics of the N.I.C.E. before I went in for that sort of thing.”
“Haven’t you been told that it’s strictly non-political?”
“I’ve been told so many things that I don’t know whether I’m on my head or my heels,” said Mark. “But I don’t see how one’s going to start a newspaper stunt without being political. Is it Left or Right papers that are going to print all this rot?”
“Both, honey, both,” said Miss Hardcastle. “Don’t you understand anything? Isn’t it absolutely essential to keep a fierce Left and a fierce Right, both on their toes and terrified of the other? That’s how things get done. Any opposition to the N.I.C.E. is represented as a Left racket in the Right papers and a Right racket in the Left papers. If it’s properly done, you get each side outbidding the other in support of us–to refute the enemy slanders. Of course we’re non-political. The real power always is.”
“I don’t believe you can do that,” said Mark. “Not with the papers that are read by educated people.”
“Why you fool, it’s the educated reader that can be gulled. All our difficulty comes from the others. When did you meet a workman who believes in the papers? He takes it for granted that they’re all propaganda and skips the leading articles. He buys his paper for the football results and the little paragraphs about girls falling out of windows and corpses found in Mayfair Flats. He is our problem. We need to recondition him. But the educated public, the people who read the highbrow weeklies, don’t need reconditioning. They are all right already. They’ll believe anything.”
Now do you believe?