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This Just In! Inside the Life of an Internet Troll pt. 3

Editor’s Note: This Just In! correspondent Lefty Sinister was MIA last week. After a long search, we finally managed to drag his ass out of the strip club and put him back in front of the computer. And so continues our series on Internet Trolls. We apologize for any inconvenience.  —Infinity Jones TJI Editor-in-Chief


sjwThe next point in our discussion of Internet Trolls is their aloof detachment. This is a singular trait that allows them to say the most horrible, nasty things about people and then laugh it off. This detachment also allows for you to say the most horrible, nasty things to them and then have them laugh it off. Now, in the real world, people who act with this kind of uncaring disdain for their fellow humans are often called “sociopaths”.  But this isn’t the real world and we aren’t dealing with real people. We are dealing with Internet Trolls, which happen to be the vilest breed of trolls in existence.

But how do any of the universe’s creatures act so maliciously en masse? Is this a trait that all Internet Trolls are born with? The answer is a surprising “No”. They aren’t born with that aloof detachment, it is a skill acquired through rigorous training. There are places on the internet—dark, seedy places full of avarice, lust and all the other deadly sins. These places are called Troll Dungeons and this is where trolls go to deaden their human compassion and common decency. For any aspiring troll, the dungeon is the first stop to proper trollhood. There trolls say the most vicious, nasty things to each other in a kind of verbal sparring. Nothing is off limits, nothing is sacred in these seedy dens of insult and despair.  It is only after they have passed a series of tests, each more lethal than the last, that young internet trolls are given their weapons and sent out into the vast world of social media to wreak havoc and spread their infection. And woe to any fool who stumbles upon a troll dungeon by accident. They will be ripped to shreds without a moment’s thought and their virtual bones used to pick the trolls teeth afterward.

Don’t let their distastefulness fool you, though. Internet Trolls aren’t completely without empathy.  Most of them are avid social justice warriors and will champion any cause from saving epileptic kittens to whatever feminists are whining about this week. They rail against injustice and unfairness in our society while calling those that challenge them every nasty thing they learned in their dungeons. Trolls also love to use whichever trigger words are popular at the moment in order to frighten and confuse their prey. Don’t be fooled by this chicanery, dear reader. This is merely a tactic. A ruse at their disposal to legitimize their aloof detachment.  Being social justice warriors allows them to elevate themselves above their targets and stand on an illusory high ground from whence they rain down judgment on the ignorant masses. Basically, the internet troll uses their myriad of causes to make themselves feel superior to everyone and to justify their uncivil actions towards their fellow beings.

Internet Trolls love a cause, they just despise the people attached to those causes. They despise anyone in general—another result of their training in the dungeons and likely a side effect from a life of scorn and ridicule in the real world. That’s right. What really drives a troll’s aloof detachment are the gigantic chips they all have on their shoulders. Chips which have grown exponentially as the evil demons of political correctness whisper into their ears and convince them of what victims they are—and have always been.

An Open Letter To Political Correctness from the First Amendment

Dear Political Correctness,

You failed. Utterly and completely. That ultra tolerant society you promised where we all flitted around on marshmallow clouds patting each other on the back for being such strong victims was and still is a pipe dream. Instead, you took a once proud nation and people and turned them into a bunch of mewling self entitled hipsters with shelves full of participation trophies whose only addition to society is sitting in their parents’ basements whining about how victimized they are on social media.

Everyone suffers. Everyone struggles. One person’s suffering doesn’t make them more worthy of pity and free handouts. You’ve taken our grit, Political Correctness, and turned a whole population of people into raging pussies who think they can identify as a unicorn if they “resonate with it”. Well fuck you, Political Correctness. We’re through. You can take your bullshit ideologies and shove them where the sun don’t shine. And if that makes me an asshole, so be it.

Quit telling us how to think!

The First Amendment

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