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This Just In: Bad Parents Off the Hook with New Marijuana Study

Good news for shitty parents everywhere. A new study has shown that marijuana users have abnormalities in their brains in the areas that control motivation and emotions. What does this mean for you as a less-than-perfect parent? Well, if your kid is a spoiled, entitled, unmotivated sociopath then good news is he’s probably a pot head.

There was really nothing you did wrong, horrible parents. Were you emotionally distant? Didn’t show your kid enough affection when they were growing up? Or maybe you pushed TOO hard, molding your kid to conform to your ideals until they resented you for it and began to crack? Did your kid grow up to be a cold, emotionless sociopath? There’s nothing wrong with that. Blame it on the drugs. And not just any drugs. Oh no, no. Forget about the effects that antidepressants have on the developing brain. Don’t pay any attention to the fact that nearly all of the mass shooters in the past twenty years were on prescription meds. Those drugs are perfectly safe and acceptable because they have billion dollar lobbyists influencing the incorruptible politicians that run our country. What’s really to blame here is pot. Yup. Pot.

We were warned about this decades ago with the release of the documentary film “Reefer Madness” which cataloged the ill effects that marijuana use has on the adolescent psyche. But we didn’t listen. Those damned hippies and blues musicians popularized it in the mainstream and our country has been suffering a steady decline ever since. Gone are the days of the self-motivated go getter. The times of the over-emotional pussy who bawls at the beauty of a sunset are long past. And left in their wake is the era of the unmotivated, entitled sociopaths. And it’s all because of marijuana. This news comes as a relief to awful parents everywhere.

“I’m so relieved,” sighed Terry T. 35, a mother of a 15 year old boy. “We’ve always given [Brian] everything he wanted. We fawned over him, inflated his ego and self-esteem and tried to show him that the world owed him everything simply because he was born.” But despite their aggressive parenting, Brian was acting strangely. “We noticed some attitude changes in Brian recently. Most notably a lack of motivation to do anything but play video games all day and scathing disrespect to anyone who upset him. My husband and I thought it could be us, but then we found the copy of “Dazed and Confused” in his Blu-Ray player and it all became clear. Our little angel was a pot head.”

But it’s not just adolescents being devastated by marijuana. Reginald Lee, a 65 year old construction worker, recalls his account with his 35 year old son.

“My boy has always been kinda kooky. You know, into reading and writing and all sorts of artsy shit. Anyway, he graduated college and got a job delivering pizzas. Telling me he refused to waste his life feeding a system that’s sole purpose was the subjugation of the human spirit or something like that. Of course I kicked his ass and made him go to work with me. Well, about two weeks into it, I caught him smoking a joint on his lunch break. At first I thought I was to blame somehow, but that didn’t stick well with me. I mean, I was only trying to raise the boy right. Then I heard about this study and it all made perfect sense. I did raise my boy right. It was the damn pot that turned him into a lazy good-for-nothing.”

In an era of rampant self-entitlement, emotional dullness bordering on the sociopathic and a near-catatonic lack of motivation, this study acts as a breath of fresh air for concerned parents everywhere. It’s not you.

It’s not the emotionally dulling drugs you put your kids on from the time they were toddlers. It’s not the lack of attention or even paying them too much attention. It’s not about buying into the lie that “everyone is a winner, hooray for participation trophies!” Nor does it have anything to do with society’s complete lack of accountability. Nay, good reader. Here in the modern world, it’s always someone or something else’s fault. And this time, thank God, it’s marijuana’s fault. So go back to what you were doing. Live your lives in blissful ignorance taking comfort in the fact that whenever scapegoats are needed, science is there to provide them for us.

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This Just In! It’s All In Your Head.

A new report issued by Scientists Under Control of Kooks and Assholes found that it really is all in your head.  And by “it”, I mean the big It.  The world. The Universe. Reality.

“It’s true. Nothing but a figment of the collective imagination,” affirmed Dr. Norman Peabody, lead SUCKA scientist for their Department of Quantumly Physical Thingies and Whatnots and chief egghead on the project.

When asked about the specifics of the experiment, Dr. Peabody took on a very defensive and aloof air.  “Those processes are far above the comprehension of the normal masses.  Suffice to say, the evidence was there.”

But journalistic integrity demanded that I press further.  Finally, Dr. Peabody relented a few of their top secret methods.

“What we did was we took a lot of blind people and put them in a big room.  Then, we told them to point to a poster we had on the wall.  Only, we didn’t put a poster on the wall in the room.  But that didn’t stop everyone from pointing.  Some people even claimed to see it! Can you imagine? Describing a poster that doesn’t exist?  That’s when my team and I realized that if people want to see something bad enough they will conjure it up out of thin air. Literally.”

“How does that prove reality is all in your head?” I had to ask.

“Because they couldn’t see and they saw a poster anyway! Don’t you get it?”

I admitted that I didn’t.

“Small-minded flagellate spoor,” mumbled the good doctor.  “Here’s another example.  We put a bunch of deaf people in a room and told them to listen to a recording and repeat it back to us.  They couldn’t do it.”

“Not too surprising. They’re hearing impaired.”

“Exactly! They couldn’t hear it, but the sound was there! That’s when my team and I realized that just because you can’t hear a tune doesn’t mean there isn’t one on the juke box.  But to them, see, sound doesn’t exist. So in their world, there really is NO sound!  Are you getting how deep this is?”

“I’m starting to. Give me the deepest thing you’ve got. Let’s get to the heart of the matter.”

“Alright. But this one is off the record.”

“Of course.” I put down my notepad, but left the recorder in my pocket running.

Peabody looked around and leaned in close before revealing, “We interviewed several comatose patients,” in a hoarse whisper.

“You what?” I shouted. “What good could that possibly serve?”

“Shhhh! Calm down! It served plenty of good! We asked them basic questions about their surroundings. Asked them to describe the rooms they were in, what the interviewers and doctors looked like. What sounds and smells they noticed.  Not one of them could answer a single question.”

“No shit, Sherlock! They are comatose!!” At this point my journalistic patience was being tested to its limits. I took a deep breath and said, “Really? This is scientific integrity?”

“It certainly is,” said Peabody adding a curt tone to his elitist smugness. “The reason they couldn’t answer is because this world isn’t real to them. They are getting absolutely no sensory input from their environments. Sensory input, as we know, is taken in via our sensory organs and processed in our brains. Without sensory input to construct a physical world, the physical world doesn’t exist. Do you see the profound implications this has on psychology and spirituality?”

“For sure. You’ve profoundly implicated that blind people can’t see, deaf people can’t hear and comatose people are perpetually asleep.”

“No. We’ve proved that nothing exists outside our own perceptions of it. This includes God, Santa Clause, social equality and soccer in America.”

I wasn’t convinced. “There’s soccer in America?”

But Dr. Peabody didn’t hear me. “If you think this is great, wait till our next experiment. The final nail in the coffin of all idiots who believe in things paranormal or supernatural.”

“Do tell. Just a tiny hint for our readers.”

Dr. Peabody was obviously conflicted, but he was so proud of himself that he couldn’t help but blurt out, “We’re hanging pictures facing the ceiling in operating rooms.”

“What the hell for?”

“That way, when patients claim to have out of body experiences, we can ask them to describe the pictures to us. If they can’t then the OBE was obviously false.”

I had no words. I know that as a journalist this shouldn’t happen, but my jaw was slack with disbelief for so long that I started drooling. Finally I croaked something about “Absurd and irrational rationality” and fled to the nearest bar where my great friend Captain Morgan assured me that the “real world” spun and lurched uncontrollably, walking in straight lines is for pussies not pirates, and that waking up without heaving your guts out really isn’t waking up at all.

This Just In! Life Will Kill You

The world is full of things that are bad for you.

Bacon.

Buses.

Ninjas.

Clowns.

Soy.

Today, scientists from S.U.C.K.A. (Scientists Under Control of Kooky Assholes), have released a study about the newest danger to your mortal coil: Life.

S.U.C.K.A.’s study found that in the end, no matter what you do, life will inevitably kill you.

“It’s the craziest thing,” admits Dr. Lamar Landice. “We ran several different experiments from many different angles. They all had the same conclusion: when Life is over, you die. Everybody. Paupers and Kings alike. No one escapes Life’s murderous tendencies.”

Mankind has been struggling with a harsh environment since the dawn of history. Be it plague, war, famine or disaster, something has always challenged man’s Will to Live. But never before now has it occurred to man that the very reason for his existence is also his ultimate demise. Life is out to kill you, dear reader. But not if the eggheads at S.U.C.K.A. have anything to say about it.

“We’ve already been granted money for Death Aversion Research,” Dr. Landice informed TJI. “Ultimately, we hope to overcome the limitations of Living in order to conquer Dying. Of course, we’ll have to use aggressive research techniques. Life has shown itself to be a tough nut to crack. Once you kill it, it tends to slip away. But it can’t run forever,” Dr. Landice accentuates this remark with a definitive fist clenching. “One day, we’ll back Life into a corner. Then all of its secrets will be granted to us. We will no longer fear Death.”

When asked what a race of immortal beings will do for all of eternity Dr. Landice smiles, “It’s all an experiment,” he says. “Personally, I want to see if there really is enough porn to watch for all of eternity. That was off the record right?”

Death Aversion Research and the scientists working on it are now in a race against Time…and Life. Will these brave men and women find a way to stop Life’s murderous habits before Life kills them too? We can only hope that mighty Science doesn’t fail us now.

The Universe As I See It: Psychology vs. Normalcy Updated

The Universe As I See It: Psychology vs. Normalcy.

Daily Wisdom-isms

Today’s Wisdom-ism comes from The Capricious Cosmos by Joe Rosen. He’s a scientist, Rosen is. Here, he explains science’s place and function. Enjoy!

“It seems to me that they lay reader is too liable to gain the impression that not only is science capable of attaining full understanding of the material universe as a whole, in all its aspects and with all its phenomena, including the role of Homo Sapiens in it, but that science is actually on the verge of doing so. Some authors believe that themselves. They seriously consider the possibility of a ‘Theory of Everything’, Capitalized just like that and acronymed to TOE.

Yet the fact of the matter is that science, by its very nature and structure, cannot in principle comprehend the material universe as a whole. Through science we can, and indeed do, gain understanding of various aspects and phenomena of the material universe and discover laws governing them. But as for the whole, as for the material universe in its entirety, it inherently lies beyond science.

As far as science is concerned the material universe as a whole is orderless, lawless and unexplainable, indeed the capricious cosmos. Any understanding of the whole can then come only from outside science, from non-scientific modes of comprehension and understanding.”— Joe Rosen The Capricious Cosmos Introduction

This Just In! Reason Behind High Gas Prices Revealed

In these trying times, we get all kinds of excuses for things being the way they are. Gas prices are no exception. And every time there is an increase in gas prices, there’s an increase of bullshit to excuse it.

“More demand in developing countries”, “natural disasters”, and “political unrest” are three of the most popular reasons tossed around in a variety of ways. But here at TJI we take our journalistic integrity seriously. Which is why my editor told me to get to the bottom of the matter or die trying.

Using secret journalist ninja techniques (consuming copious amounts of grain alcohol and cavorting with dancing naked women), I coaxed the truth from a top U.S. Government Official. Here’s the rundown of our conversation.

TJI: What’s really going on with gasoline prices?

US: I like your style boy. I’m gonna give it to you straight.

TJI: I’d appreciate that.

US: Robots.

TJI: I’m sorry, did you say ‘robots’?

US: I did. Giant robots. See, all the world leaders are huge fans of Voltron and Battle Tech. Betcha didn’t know that, did you? It’s all we talk about at UN meetings anymore.

TJI: Where are these giant robots? I surely haven’t seen any driving down the Interstate lately.

US: They’re in space. More specifically, they’re on the moon. S’why we really cancelled the NASA program. We needed the spare parts. It’s also the real reason behind the rash of satellites “crashing to earth” lately. NASA junk never could hold together.

TJI: What do you do with these giant robots on the moon?

US: What do you think we do with them? We fight with them! Jesus, boy! What part of Voltron and Battletech didn’t you get?

TJI: And these robots use gasoline?

US: More than you’d believe. Enough to make you shit yourself right here if you knew how much. I mean, in one of the Mechs is an engine equivalent to around 20 diesel engines. You can burn through enough gas to fuel a small country for a month. And that’s just in one round.

TJI: Do you think it’s a little irresponsible to be wasting our dwindling natural resources goofing around and fighting space robots?

US: Us personally? No. But our publicists thought it might not go over well with the general masses. So we had the eggheads in one of our Think Tanks drum up some legitimate sounding excuses. And there you have it.

Exactly. There you have it. Giant government space robots. So next time you’re smoldering over asinine prices at the gas pump, you can thank Anime for its part in the collapse of the global economy.

This Just In! New Scientific Evidence Finds that God Didn’t Create Universe

In a new study released this past week, scientists from the Society Under Council of Kooks and Assholes (SUCKAs) found that, contrary to popular religious belief, God didn’t create the universe.

“That’s right,” says Fred Mosely, chief scientist and media spokesman for SUCKA. “God didn’t actually create the universe. We’ve known this for a long time. A long standing question in the scientific community has been, ‘since there is absolutely no way a God could’ve created the universe, what else could’ve possibly happened’?”

When asked who or what created the universe Mosely responds, “Well, for a while, we thought it was gravity. But it turns out it’s this guy named Maurice Mapleton.”

The discovery came when SUCKA scientists happened across an image of Mapleton’s tool shed on Google Maps.

“We got excited pretty quickly,” admits Thane Shaneson, “I mean, we’ve never seen a tool shed like that before. “

So what makes Maurice’s tool shed more special than anyone else’s (including his neighbor, Lou’s)?

“If you look right here,” Shaneson says pointing to a blurry spot in the blurry satellite photo. “That’s the smokestack for a Darkmatter Oven. Once we got inside we found all kinds of tools. Chaos Hammers, Gravity Generators, Universal Star Exploders, Black Hole Vacuums. The list goes on. I’m telling you, this guy has EVERYTHING! He can not only create universes, he can destroy them. He’s pretty much my new hero.”

“We’re in the process of heavily kissing his ass,” Mosely admits sheepishly. “The uses for this kind of technology are almost limitless. We’re talking to the moon! And even further than that!”

When asked where and how he came by all of these unique items Maurice shrugs. “Just had ‘em layin around ya know? Fiddled around with ‘em here an’ there afta I retired. I didn’t ‘spect nuthin’ like this ta happen, that’s fer sure.” He finishes with a toothless smile that will melt your heart and make you confess your sins. “Afta that big boom, I thought I was in some real trouble fer sure! But it weren’t nothin’ but a bunch of new neighbors movin’ in. Used’ta be so quiet in these parts, ya know?” He shrugs again and loads an ample portion of chaw into his lip.

What does this mean for the planet’s billions of religious followers? Only time will tell. For now, Maurice still tinkers in his tool shed preparing something “special” he says is for all of humanity.
“Ya like fireworks?” he giggles and shuts the door, bolting it from the inside.

Yes, Maurice. We do like fireworks.

The Universe as I see it: Science vs. Paranormal Experiences

I’m going to say it. Mainstream Science has crossed a dangerous line. I’ve noticed this trend in the past few years and it is only getting worse. Being an amateur scholar of all things paranormal and spiritual, I study and delve into many of life’s inexplicable enigmas. My studies have shown me one very important lesson: the supernatural is a personal experience. Each person sees it and/or interacts with it in a way unique to them and their understanding. Or, they don’t interact with it at all because of preprogrammed worldviews and such. This is where Mainstream Science (and especially psychology) comes into play. More and more “studies” and “findings” are surfacing from the Mainstream Scientific community attempting to discredit or debunk paranormal experiences. I say “Mainstream Science” because that is the banner the proponents of these ideas hide behind. Whether or not these studies are sensationalist media isn’t the issue. What concerns me is that these ideas are pervading the worldviews of people everywhere and ultimately misleading them.

But why would Mainstream Science’s aggressively target paranormal and religious experiences? We are living in a world that is becoming increasingly hostile toward religious and/or spiritual ideas and ideologies. Stephen Hawking boldly claimed in an interview with the Guardian that heaven was a belief for people afraid of the dark. Saying that death is like turning off a computer. He goes on to say that instead we should “seek the greatest value of our action”. This falls neatly in line with the thinking of Humanisim which is a secular alternative to theology or spirituality based religions. Isn’t that convenient? Just as our old spiritual traditions are being discarded, something new and fresh is waiting in the wings to replace it.

In order to replace religion you have to have tenets and beliefs. You have to have explanations for the inexplicable. You have to shape a new ideology to replace the old. So if there is no God, no heaven, no soul it stands to reason that things like ghosts, out-of-body experiences, spirits and astral travel are nonexistent as well. Now these things require new explanations stripped of spiritual significance. Psychology led the charge claiming most of the supernatural realm for itself. I believe psychology has a shaky history of the creation and diagnosis of mental disorders. It’s explanations for paranormal experiences aren’t much better in my opinion. What most of these explanations entail is nothing more than grouping loosely connected experiences together and tagging them with a new disorder effectively ostracizing anyone who claims to believe and/or had these experiences.

One of the favorite targets is sleep paralysis.

That’s right. All alien abductions, ghostly encounters, out of body experiences, lucid dreams, etc. are really nothing more than sleep paralysis. What causes sleep paralysis? What is it actually if not supernatural? Well, nobody really knows, but as long as it has a logical name and description attached to it by hack scientists, it must be real. In reality all they’ve done is group a bunch of supernatural experiences together and given it a secular name and cause. They’ve effectively stripped any of these experiences of their paranormal significance. Not only that, now anyone that claims to have experienced these things can be labeled as “abnormal” and in need of psychological treatment.

Check out what they’ve done to Near Death Experiences:

No worries. You didn’t really see Jesus and your Grandma at the end of the Tunnel of Light. No, that was just too much carbon dioxide in your brain. Don’t you feel better now knowing that when we die there is nothing but the Void for all eternity? Nothing but endless black. I don’t know about you, but that thought terrifies me. Give me an afterlife full of light, laughter and loved ones any day.

Or how about the “study into near death experiences” being done by doctors who place pictures on high shelves that can only be seen from the ceiling. The doctor behind the study says, “It is unlikely that we will find many cases where this happens, but we have to be open-minded. And if no one sees the pictures, it shows these experiences are illusions or false memories. This is a mystery that we can now subject to scientific study.” Imagine. Centuries of NDE accounts all thrown out the window because someone didn’t see the pictures on the shelf when they were having their out-of-body experience.

Or what about how a belief in religion, superstition, and/or conspiracy theories can be conveniently attributed to a lack of control? The basic premise behind this idea is that people turn to superstion, religion and/or conspiracy theories when they “feel like they don’t have control in their lives”.

In conclusion I say, “Seriously Mainstream Science? Seriously?” The causes of any of the above mentioned experiences still remain a mystery. The fact that these mysteries exist and will always exist, suggests that there are workings in the universe outside of our normal scope. There are processes we can’t understand (and probably never will) with science. Don’t get me wrong. Science is great for understand the PHYSICAL processes of the universe. But, the spiritual and physical worlds exist beside one another. And you can’t measure physically what exists spiritually.

“Try and penetrate with our limited means the secrets of nature and you will find that, behind all the discernible concatenations, there remains something subtle, intangible and inexplicable.” Albert Einstein

No scientist really knows why we suffer from Sleep paralysis, have Near Death Experiences or hold religion in our hearts and minds. They aren’t infallible or all knowing, though most would have you believe otherwise. All they have are theories and speculations just like the rest of us. Regarding the paranormal, what most of these secular prophets would have you believe is that there is nothing to believe in. It all depends on which theory or speculation you choose to ascribe to. Whichever one speaks to your heart. Hmmm…sounds a lot like religion. Have you had your Secular Saltine Supper today?

The Universe as I see It part 2

Continuing from where I left off last time…

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.

—- From the Book of Genesis. Verses 1 and 2.

See? The Hebrews saw it. They knew what was really up. What I like is the spirit of God hovering over the face of the waters. Just waiting…waiting…waiting…but waiting for what? Then BAM! “Then God said” God spoke. Sound…vibration. What the Upanishads calls OM.

OM,
The imperishable sound, is the seed of all that exists.
The past, the present, the future—all are but the unfolding of OM.
And whatever transcends the three realms of time, that indeed is the flowering of OM.
—–From the Mandukya Upanishad

The waters were sleeping. The Spirit of God was still. But they existed. They were. They are. Then God spoke. Suddenly the Spirit was jolted, it was energized. It became. The energy became vibration that became ripples on the Waters of Creation that became the universe.

In the beginning this universe was not.
There was just pure potential, from which was then born Being.
And from being was born the Self, which is known as perfect.
–From the Taittiriya Upanishad

IT’s all related, but no one wants to see that. To see that is to admit that we’ve been wrong this entire time. And well, you know how people are. People have never been wrong. People are always right, it’s the other people who have it all wrong. And if only those other people could just get it right like we have it right, then everything’ll be right and dandy. Just like in 1984 or “Brave New World.” That’s what modern fundamentalism is gearing towards. Of course, that’s what modern liberalism is gearing towards as well they’re just coming at it from a different angle. Don’t let them fool you, though. They’re both playing on the same team. One Nation over individualism. Dangerous grounds to be treading on. I don’t know what that was about. I hate politics and want nothing to do with them. Leave the politics to the wolves. That is all I’m going to say on the issue. That’s my two cents. Take it as you will.

And then there’s this:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

He was in the beginning with God.

And all things were made through Him, and without him nothing was made that was made.

—-From the Gospel of John. Chapter One, Verses 1-3

Again with the Word. Again with creation stemming from it. Here’s a widely held misconception: The Word that the Gospel of John was referring to was the Bible. What kind of idiotic and off-base nonsense led people to assume this? Nowhere does it even hint to that. The first “Christian” Bible wasn’t even compiled until around the 4th century A.D. And don’t even get me started on the King James Bible. At best, defining the “Word of God” as a religious text, the comparisons are more easily assimilated with the Torah.

In the beginning, two thousand years before the Heaven and the earth, seven things were created: The Torah written with black fire on white fire, and lying in the lap of God

But that’s not all!

When God was about to create the world by his word, the twenty-two letters of the alphabet descended from the terrible and august crown of God whereon they were engraved with a pen of flaming fire. They stood round God and each said, “Create the world through me!”

——–Both excerpts from the Haggadah

Words made holy. Sounds inciting creation. There are secrets here.

Dig this: In the Beginning was God. God the Absolute. And God, for whatever reason, decided he wanted to create things (such are the benefits of being the Absolute). It was this decision, this first impulse (or Word or Logos or OM) of God that separated the physical from the spiritual. The impulse caused vibrations…caused sound…caused the universe to take shape. Energy was created and transferred into God’s desire. From nothing sprang something. However, this new impulse couldn’t exist within the realm of God. God can be nothing but absolute. He is One, He is Whole. He cannot be fractioned or portioned. Thus, God is set apart from physicality. God does not exist on physical levels. He manifests himself on them and through them, but will not exist there.

That’s why the existence of God can never be proven by science. Science and its interpretations are strictly limited to this “mundane” realm we are immersed in. Because how can you explain something that you really have no concept of? How can you prove the existence of something that doesn’t exist on this level of reality? Its easy to disregard the existence of God based solely on the devastating misunderstandings that Western culture and its new religion, Science, have deemed “Truth.” It’s right there in front of you. All you have to do to see it is look at it. Logic offers no understanding.

And it is impossible that any one can explain the passing out of one existence and the entering into a new existence, or the growth, increase and development of consciousness, independent of bodily form, feeling, perception and mental formations.

The world however is given to pleasure, delighted with pleasure, enchanted with pleasure. Verily such beings will hardly understand the law of conditionality, The Dependent Origination of everything; incomprehensible to them will also be the end of all formations, the forsaking of every substratum of rebirth, the fading away of craving, detachment, extinction, Nibbana.
——-From Majjhima-Nikaya (Buddhist Text)

The tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal Name.
—— From Tao Te Ching.

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