Monthly Archives: March 2012

Rage Against the Juice: Finale


NOTE: This post is rated PG-13 for partial nudity and suggestive themes.

And now, the exciting conclusion of the Mighty Morass’s adventure!

The Mighty Morass, surrounded by his legions of undead minions, stood overlooking the nunnery of the Sisters of the Silent Shelton. Nunnery. Ha! That was one way to describe the abode of the Sisters of the Silent Shelton. Another way to describe it would be to call it a Den of Licentious and Conniving Harpies. The latter description suited the Mighty Morass just fine. Because, in all reality, the Sisters were conniving and licentious harpies. Harpies who used men as play-things. Humping them like rabid rabbits until they (the Sisters not the men) became pregnant. Then, the evil nuns went all praying mantis on them. Snapping their necks and tossing their corpses to the birds. So the rumors went, anyway. Did I mention the sky above the nunnery was perpetually filled with circling vultures?

Any male offspring were promptly eunuch-ized at birth and brought up as servants in the nunnery. The prettier voiced were forced into a Yuletide Caroling Boys’ Choir. Female offspring became the Daughters of the Dirgeful Daughtry. And whatever was rumored about the Sisters went 10 fold for their daughters.
Of course, the Sisters of the Silent Shelton, claimed innocence. Insisting that they didn’t kill their men, that instead, their men killed themselves because they deemed experiencing the Sisters’ erotic pleasures the pinnacle of existence. After sexxxing a Sister, there was literally nothing left to live for. And their Daughters were paragons of virtue and purity. They explained away their castration practices by claiming a problem with thieving squirrels. Morass didn’t buy it either. Which is why, in his more spry years, he attempted to woo one of the Sisters and get to the bottom of the story.
His attempt met with some success.
The encounter went something like this:

Setting: A smoky tavern, crowded with people and smelling of sweat, ale and piss. Morass and the Sister sit in a dimly lit corner.

Morass: So.

Sister: So.

Morass: I like your dress.

Sister: It’s a habit.

Morass: I thought nuns wore dresses.

Sister: I thought necromancers had long white beards.

Morass: Can I ask you something?

Sister: (rolls eyes and sighs) No. I will not hump you until your head explodes then snap your neck.

Morass: Yeah but—

Sister: And we have the same number of breasts as other women.

Morass: (deflates) Really? I mean…That’s cool and all, but really…that kinda sucks. Are you sure you don’t have three boobs?

Sister: No.

Morass: Prove it.

She did. And for the first time in his life, the Mighty Morass gazed upon the boobies of a living, breathing woman. Which was as far as he got before his little necromancer gave up the ghost.

The Sister rolled her eyes again. “That was easy. Now it’s my turn.”

“Your turn for what?”

“Insensitive pig,” spat the Sister and got up from the table. She left without another word.

And here he was. Over a century later. About to storm the walls of the very nunnery he desired to explore the secrets of pleasure within. Hell, he would’ve probably even let them snap his neck if the sex was good enough. But not now. Now, the only thing on the Mighty Morass’s mind was revenge. And that poisonous emotion roiled inside him, building pressure of magically cataclysmic proportions.

Had Morass been prone to self-examination or even random moments of personal epiphany, he might have realized that all his nastiness stems from his feelings of humiliation and inadequacy. This realization could’ve led him to an existential self-awareness of growth and positive change. Alas, Morass was prone only to vengeance and death. As such, the only thing his self realized was that humiliation and inadequacy were best overshadowed by fear and violence. The Mighty Morass felt that 103 years was long enough to have suffered the Sister’s humiliation. Might as well get this show on the road.

“Attack!” he ordered his undead minions and they descended on the nunnery to do their master’s bidding.
Morass munched carrots on the hilltop above as his zombie slaves wreaked havoc on the nunnery. Every now and again, the sounds of battle were pierced with high-pitched shrieking. Whether it was coming from the eunuchs or the Sisters, Morass didn’t know. But he hoped for both. After an hour of bloody warfare, the sounds of battle died away to be replaced with the death wails of the wounded. This was Morass’s favorite part. The part where he could nonchalantly stroll among the dead and dying picking the best scraps for himself and leaving the rest to the vultures. He would stroll in, loot the place, get Raphael Esperanza’s Infernal Contract and Unsticking Juice and be on his merry way. Simple.

Only things are never simple. The Mighty Morass didn’t nonchalantly stroll through a field of corpses, instead he wandered stupefied among half cat, half human boys eating the flesh of his precious and innocent zombie minions. What’s worse, an imposing group of Sisters barred the front door to the chantry. Every last one of the ‘Nuns’ was clutching weapons and baring fangs.

“Figures,” said Morass. “Vampires. The lot of you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked a voice from the back of the nun pack.

The nuns parted reverently to allow the speaker to step forward.

“You,” breathed Morass, color dropping from his face.

“Have we met?”

Morass swallowed the lump in his throat and forced himself to speak. “Long ago. In a tavern. You wanted a turn at something. And then you left.”

“The necromancer. Mighty Morass.”

“You remember me?”

“How could I forget? We were a peaceful and benign order who sought our spirituality in seclusion. That is all we were guilty of. The rumors were awful, but we bore them with humility. But my ‘date’ with you was the straw that broke the camel’s back. We accepted vampirism and sought vengeance on the insensitive brutes who plagued our hearts.”

“I did something right, then. I should be revered among your order. Perhaps a shrine or a Feast Day in my honor?”

The Sisters’ eyes glowed a deep crimson and they growled low in their throats.

Morass’s brutish male instincts told him he was dangerously close to unleashing the fury of the Hells. “We’ll discuss that later.” He cleared his throat and motioned to one of the eunuch cat-boys, “You know, your pussy-boys shouldn’t be eating that meat. It’s not exactly approved by the Food Council.”

“Neither is what they had for breakfast. Enough chatter. What is it you want, Morass?”

“I come for the Infernal Contract of Raphael Esperanza and a bottle of Unsticking Juice for my barbarian.”

“Raphael sent you? Typical. It’s all a big club with you boys, isn’t it?”

“Don’t be daft. We aren’t in any clubs together. This is strictly business. Now are you going to hand over what I demanded or are things going to get ugly?”

The Sister laughed. “You are out of minions, Morass.” She whistled and her cat-boys snapped to attention, forming a formidable line in front of the sisters. “You tell Raphael Esperanza, if he wants his Contract, he better send someone that can reclaim it!”

Sweat broke out on Morass’s brow. The magic of desperation boiled inside him, but he didn’t have anywhere to direct it. He had to think of something or become vampire food. “Listen. You all seem like good women. And, being a patron saint of your order, I would hate to have to punish you for insolence. Last chance for forgiveness.”

Hell hath no fury…

“That’s it! Get him, boys!” screeched the Sister.

Morass threw up his hands as the cat-boys pounced. With nowhere to direct his magical energy, the energy was directed everywhere. A great wind rushed in, collecting the pieces and parts of the necromancer’s zombies. Snapping jaws, clawing hands and kicking feet filled the air. Morass stood in the eye of that hurricane directing his rotting projectiles into anything that moved.

The necromancer had reclaimed his power at last. He laughed maniacally, lost in the throes of magical ecstasy. Morass lost all concept of space and time and only came to when the Sister’s cry of, “Enough!” broke through his blood lust.

The hurricane died as quickly as it had been born. The nunnery’s courtyard was a disaster area. The corpses of cat-boys and mauled and mangled vampire sisters added to the litter. Only the head Sister was left standing on the steps of the chantry, her habit ripped and torn, exposing all the right sensual curves.

“I underestimated you, Mighty Morass.”

“Huh?” Morass blinked dazedly as he returned to consciousness. “Oh. Yes, well, don’t let it happen again.” He surveyed the result of his destruction. “Next time I stop by, a nice dinner and a warm bed will suffice.”

“How bout a warm bed with a cold body?” the Sister licked her fangs hungrily. “I’m Star, by the way.”
“Don’t get any ideas, Sister Star. Plenty of time for games later. Right now, give me the Contract and the Unsticking Juice. I’ve got business to finish.”

But first, he had a mess to clean up.


“It’s criminal, I tell you!” Esperanza’s bull nostrils flared and his eyes glowed crimson.

“It’s my terms,” Morass insisted. “If you want this Infernal Contract, no more Nord Juice. You’re done. I’m taking over and selling Prune Juice.”

Mac stood behind him glowering. The barbarian had been itching to smash something since his Unsticking. “Better do what the boss says, Mr. Esperanza.” He cracked his knuckles hopefully.

Raphael paced back and forth, snorting and cursing. Finally, he dug in his desk and produced a scroll. “It’s all here. The business, the lands, the contracts, everything.”

Morass reached for the scroll and Raphael snatched it back. “At the same time.”

“As you will.”

They snatched the documents from each other’s hands greedily.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have a Contract to Breach.”

“Of course. We’ve got a ship to catch anyway.” Morass and Mak left, leaving Esperanza to his own devices.

The vampire minotaur locked all the doors, lit a candle and sat at his desk. He broke the Infernal Seal with trembling hands and gingerly unrolled it.

Morass heard Esperanza’s cry of anguish and betrayal even as the ship pulled away from the docks. He spotted the minotaur raging through the streets, desperately trying to reach him.

“Bastard! I’ll kill you! Give me my contract!” reached Morass on the salty winds along with several creative curse words. The last thing Morass saw before Fileep disappeared on the horizon was the town guard swarming Esperanza. Morass laughed and returned to his cabin for a glass of wine.

Damn it felt good to be bad.


This Just In! Pink Slime Attacks

Like a scene from The Blob, Manhattan, Kansas was attacked today by what has been dubbed “The Pink Slime Monster” after it broke out of a secret government laboratory.

It all started when McDonald’s quit using pink slime in their meat. What is pink slime? It’s less than healthy meat that is treated with ammonia and other things in order to make it “edible”.

You may be wondering the fate of all that extra pink slime meat. Well, the USDA purchased some 7 million pounds of it for school lunches. As disgusting as the thought is, TJI uncovered the truth behind the purchase and it’s even more horrific.

“It was all a ruse,” says ex-government official Randy Burke. “They weren’t using it for lunches at all. They were using it for experiments.”

When asked to elaborate, Burke explained, “Well the government plans to move the Plum Island facility to Kansas. Actually, they already did. Just failed to notify people about it.”

“What’s the Plum Island facility, for our readers who may be unaware.”

“It’s this place off the coast of N.Y. where they’ve been studying deadly animal and livestock diseases. Well they moved it inland, to Kanas.”

Burke claims that he, along with a team of scientists, engineers, and military personnel, were stationed at the currently top secret laboratory in Manhattan, Kansas where they were studying the effects and applications of various deadly bovine diseases.

“We figured, with the laboratory in Kansas, we’d have plenty of test subjects close at hand. You know how many cows we lose a year having them shipped to Plum Island?”

“No. How many?”

“17. And that’s a steady number. Anyway, after we heard about McDonald’s, we asked the USDA to purchase us a shit-ton of pink sludge.”

“What for?”

“That’s classified.”

Unfortunately, what happened when the pink slime arrived at the facility was impossible to classify. Combine chemically tainted pink meat-product with several strains of deadly cow diseases and you have a lot of bad beef karma in one place. That bad beef karma manifested as the Pink Slime Monster.

“What happened was Eugene, he’s a good guy, but a bit slow sometimes…Well anyway, Eugene put a bunch of pink slime crates right next to a tray of samples of Nipah Virus and Foot and Mouth Disease we were sending back to Plum Island. Then, Eric, his idiot brother-in-law, went to light up a cigarette and knocked the samples into the pink slime.”

The result was a B-movie nightmare come to life. Unknown chemical reactions animated the pink slime and gave it a voracious appetite.

“It ate Eugene and Eric first,” Burke informed TJI, “Then it went from room to room eating everything in sight. It just kept getting bigger and bigger! I barely made it out alive. You were the first people I called.”

“Thank you. TJI appreciates your loyalty to journalistic integrity and reporting the truth.”

“That isn’t the worst of it though.”

“Oh? What’s the worst of it?”

Note: Unfortunately, the interview was cut short when Burke died of what officials are calling a “spontaneous gunshot wound to the head”. After that things got a little pink and slimey. I barely made it out alive.

As for Manhattan, Kansas, officials at the Census Bureau are claiming no such place ever existed. They are also warning residents in nearby towns that in 1-3 days they too will never have existed. The rest of America is being asked to act as true patriots and reinforce the nonexistence of Kansas. Uncle Sam appreciates your denial.

Anyone for a cheeseburger?

Daily Wisdom-isms

Today’s excerpt comes from the Bible. Matthew 7:7, to be exact. To me, this verse sums up what a “personal relationship with God” means. It’s one of the most important and insightful verses I’ve come across in my journey. In a world inundated with religious doctrines, philosophies and/or nihilism, people become overwhelmed and disenchanted with so many choices offering “the right way”. Inner dialogue something akin to, “If this one way is right, then why are there so many other ways? And why do they all believe they are right? And are they right? Or am I wrong? What’s the answer? Where are the answers? AHHHH! Forget it. I’m an Atheist now.” Nobody ever said the Way was going to be easy. And if they did, they lied. Enjoy!

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you.”—Matthew 7:7 The American King James Bible

Daily Wisdom-isms

Ah, the Tao te Ching. Such a poetic and lovely piece of literature. So simple, yet infinitely complex. I’m partial to the Stephen Mitchell translation. It inspired me very early on in my Search and I attribute a lot of my “Enlightening Up” to the understandings it revealed to me. I hope it can offer some inspiration for you as well. Enjoy!

“Fame or integrity: Which is more important?
Money or happiness: which is more valuable?
Success or failure: which is more destructive?

If you look to others for fulfillment,
you will never truly be fulfilled.
If you happiness depends on money,
you will never be happy with yourself.

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.” —-The Tao Te Ching. 44

The Universe As I See It: Psychology vs. Normalcy Updated

The Universe As I See It: Psychology vs. Normalcy.

Daily Wisdom-isms

Today’s Wisdom-ism comes from The Capricious Cosmos by Joe Rosen. He’s a scientist, Rosen is. Here, he explains science’s place and function. Enjoy!

“It seems to me that they lay reader is too liable to gain the impression that not only is science capable of attaining full understanding of the material universe as a whole, in all its aspects and with all its phenomena, including the role of Homo Sapiens in it, but that science is actually on the verge of doing so. Some authors believe that themselves. They seriously consider the possibility of a ‘Theory of Everything’, Capitalized just like that and acronymed to TOE.

Yet the fact of the matter is that science, by its very nature and structure, cannot in principle comprehend the material universe as a whole. Through science we can, and indeed do, gain understanding of various aspects and phenomena of the material universe and discover laws governing them. But as for the whole, as for the material universe in its entirety, it inherently lies beyond science.

As far as science is concerned the material universe as a whole is orderless, lawless and unexplainable, indeed the capricious cosmos. Any understanding of the whole can then come only from outside science, from non-scientific modes of comprehension and understanding.”— Joe Rosen The Capricious Cosmos Introduction

Daily Wisdom-isms

Today’s Wisdom-ism comes from The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff. In this excerpt Hoff compares Taoist wisdom and simplicity to Western academia. Enjoy!

“It seems rather odd somehow, that Taoism, the way of the Whole Man, the True Man, the Spirit Man (to use a few Taoist terms), is for the most part interpreted here in the West by the Scholarly Owl–by the Brain, the Academician, the dry-as-dust Absent Minded Professor. Far from reflecting the Taoist ideal of wholeness and independence, this incomplete and unbalanced creature divides all kinds of abstract things into little categories and compartments, while remaining rather helpless and disorganized in his daily life.

Rather than learn from Taoist teachers and from direct experience, he learns intellectually, and indirectly, from books. And since he doesn’t usually put Taoist principles into practice in an everyday sort of way, his explanations of them tend to leave out some rather important details, such as how they work and where you can apply them.

On top of that, it is very hard to find any of the spirit of Taoism in the lifeless writings of the humorless Academic Mortician, whose bleached-out scholarly dissertations contain no more of the character of Taoist wisdom than does the typical wax museum.”—The Tao of Pooh pp. 25 and 26

Daily Wisdom-isms

Potentiality of spirit…Kirkegaard was on to something. What happens when life is no longer exciting? What happens when the passion ebbs away? I was trapped in a passionless shell, unable to break free. I’d almost resigned myself to that suicidal fate. I could see and remember what it felt like for the world to be alive with possibility. I could recall the swell of excitement in my chest at the thought of meeting the day head on, of creating, of experiencing life. But all these old emotions, once mine to command, I stared at as if something unattainable–out of reach. But it’s not. I just needed to stand up and walk through that Door. Enjoy!

“If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye, which ever young and ardent, sees the possible.”–Kierkegaard Either/Or

Daily Wisdom-isms

Why do bad things happen to good people? What kind of God would allow all this suffering? And so on and so forth. I face these questions frequently. As if people can’t believe in a truly good God in a world full of calamity and heartache. Of course, these people are misled. Unable to see the forest through the trees, as it were. Hermes Trismegistus sheds some light in a way that really hit home for me. Enjoy!

“And do not be wary of the full variety of creation, for fear that you will abase God and extinguish His glory. For He has only one glory, which is to create everything; this is as it were the body of God, creation. Nothing evil or shameful can be ascribed to the Creator. These are afflictions which follow upon coming into being; like the green on copper or the dirt on the body. For the coppersmith does not make the green, nor the parents the dirt on the body, nor does God create evil.

But the continued existence of creation causes evil like a kind of ulcer and therefore God brought about transformation (Gnosis, salvation, enlightenment, etc.–J), to cleanse the impurity of birth.”

—-The Way of Hermes pp.72 and 73

Daily Wisdom-isms

The legend of Hermes Trismegistus goes back thousands of years. Despite who he was or where and when he lived, his teachings have influenced many schools of thought since time immemorial. In this post he discusses One God creating the universe as opposed to many gods. Hermes considered the true God to be something akin to the Kabbalah’s Ein Sof.

From The Way of Hermes Enjoy!

“This one God makes everything; a plurality of gods would be absurd. Is it surprising that God creates life and soul, immortality and transformation when you yourself do so many things? For you see and speak, hear and smell, touch, walk about, think and breathe. There is not one who see and another who hears, one who speaks and another who touches, one who smells and another who walks, one who thinks and another who breathes; there is a single one who does all of these things. But none of this is possible without God. For just as if you cease to do things, you are no longer a living being, so if God ceases from these things–though it is impious to say–He is no longer God.—The Way of Hermes p. 55

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